Dear Friend,
Today is the first day of the year and of course I'm still camp high. As you know, every year I go to church camp and of course I get to re-kindle my christian flames. I've been going to camp for the last 5 years, but this year was a bit different. I learned that sometimes the things we do for Jesus may seem redundant and useless, but like in karate kid wax on, wax off and pick up your jacket.
As you know, the past camps the only boys that I've ever taken seriously was A & B and both of them were for different and immature reasons. So first let me give you an update. A and I are really close now, but as friends. I often confide in him because we are both part of the executive committee which I am so grateful to be part of. He now has a girlfriend and she knows how to treat him right, which makes me very happy.
B now also has a girlfriend and is barely active in our church. It makes me sad that he choose to give up on our church so easily but of course he may have his reasons. Although now his girlfriend and him are happy and often put God first rather than each other. That makes me happy as well.
You may think that I'm sad because everyone has seemed to move on and has left me behind, but I'm not. I now understand that God has been asking me to wait for the right person to come into my life, someone I truly deserve. Someone whom I love as much as they love me.
This camp, I met D. In our first small group meeting, I was so sad because I wasn't in the same small group as B and P ( I had a small crush on P last camp, but that doesn't really matter ) so when I sat down, I saw D and though he was kind of cute but I didn't really mind it because I was busy thinking about how my shoes were getting ruined and about how I needed to do stuff for finance so I just let it slip off.
And so the second day came and as finance, I was selling shirts because that was my project and he just approached me and all of his friends made that kilig sound. So of course I didn't want to assume that it was for me so again, I just let it slip off I didn't really believe that it was for me until my "big sis" told me about it but of course being the big sis that she is, she always stretched the truth because she was teasing me.
Again, I didn't really believe it as much until the second day, one of my favourite big brothers came to visit. Of course as usual we caught up, I said hi and he asked for jokes so on and so forth. After we've caught up I really needed to pee until he called up on the stage where they were all sitting and asked if I could have a picture with him and he hid in his hoodie which I thought was adorable.
The last day, the same thing happened another picture and so now I messaged him but that was last night, and now I still don't think he doesn't get the big picture that I want him to try because I think that we could be good for each other. I don't know if he's going to grow a pair and message me but he has to now that the fact that I even want to talk to him on new year's day already says something right. Although of course it's up to God if he wants him in my life or not.
xx
Kim
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Baby B
Dear Friend,
Do you know that awkward moment when you kind of flirt with someone as a joke because well it's funny and it's fun for a while until one person falls for the other. In this case it's me who fell which isn't a surprise because I fall in love just a little bit everyday with someone new I am still pretty convinced that Hozier wrote that song for me, anyways I'm not saying I'm in love with him and that I want to marry him in my life time that barely happens to me, that I completely give myself to someone except for one person of course & God.
I just really think that feelings are hassle I mean everything was so much better when feelings didn't have to come in and ruin everything now I'm literally conscious about everything I do when I'm around him. This is so unfair.
xx
Kim
Do you know that awkward moment when you kind of flirt with someone as a joke because well it's funny and it's fun for a while until one person falls for the other. In this case it's me who fell which isn't a surprise because I fall in love just a little bit everyday with someone new I am still pretty convinced that Hozier wrote that song for me, anyways I'm not saying I'm in love with him and that I want to marry him in my life time that barely happens to me, that I completely give myself to someone except for one person of course & God.
I just really think that feelings are hassle I mean everything was so much better when feelings didn't have to come in and ruin everything now I'm literally conscious about everything I do when I'm around him. This is so unfair.
xx
Kim
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Let me be blunt
Dear Friend,
I'm gonna make this blunt because I'm drowning in school work and I kinda just need to breathe. Ok so today I saw A, I don't know if you still remember him but we've grown a lot since the last time I've told you about him and it was normal because were really good friends.
And while he was performing my friend asked me what if one of our friends dated him and it's actually kind of okay because I mean I love him I really do and he has a really big space in my heart but not like that anymore. I care about him and no matter what I am going to protect him and defend him when he needs me and not because I used to have feelings for him but because that's just how I am with my friends and I'm really happy with where we stand right now. I can really talk to him and be open and I love him I really do I'm just glad it's not that way anymore.
Ok were friends but there will always be that part of me that never really moved on I know that's so contradicting because I just said I didn't like him that way anymore but I will always care for him. And there will never be an occasion that I won't think about what he's doing or what he's thinking or if he's ok because he's my first love and I can't change that, and I wouldn't because it's been a good ride huney but now we'll see how we'll be in our situation
xx
Kim
I'm gonna make this blunt because I'm drowning in school work and I kinda just need to breathe. Ok so today I saw A, I don't know if you still remember him but we've grown a lot since the last time I've told you about him and it was normal because were really good friends.
And while he was performing my friend asked me what if one of our friends dated him and it's actually kind of okay because I mean I love him I really do and he has a really big space in my heart but not like that anymore. I care about him and no matter what I am going to protect him and defend him when he needs me and not because I used to have feelings for him but because that's just how I am with my friends and I'm really happy with where we stand right now. I can really talk to him and be open and I love him I really do I'm just glad it's not that way anymore.
Ok were friends but there will always be that part of me that never really moved on I know that's so contradicting because I just said I didn't like him that way anymore but I will always care for him. And there will never be an occasion that I won't think about what he's doing or what he's thinking or if he's ok because he's my first love and I can't change that, and I wouldn't because it's been a good ride huney but now we'll see how we'll be in our situation
xx
Kim
Saturday, November 14, 2015
A little prayer
Dear God,
If you were in front of me right now, I wouldn't know what to do. Don't even get me started with all the emotions I would feel. I would feel angry with myself, and at the same time I would cry my eyes out because I know I don't deserve to be in your presence nor your love.
But as for now, I know that your spirit's strong in me. I can feel you and I see you too but in a different perspective. I'm going to keep this short, so here it goes God, some of the things I want to say to you because obviously if I told you everything it would be a never ending blog.
-I'm always tired and I don't know why and I pray that I get through school because I am just so emotionally and physically tired all the time.
-I am so passionate about the people around me but sometimes it hurts to care too much.
-I feel like I'm a switch that goes on and off. Sometimes I really feel your presence and sometimes, I feel just feel so dry but I know that you've got me.
-I feel like I need to do something about my SLAP every night because I know that I need it in my life right now and forever of course.
-I feel like I'm struggling to do my job as an officer because I don't know how to move, because I can't do it myself.
-I feel like there are so many obstacle that I am facing faith wise.
-I really love to be your missionary especially in my home church but sometimes I feel like my personality is too strong that I begin to boss around others.
-Lastly, God I just really pray that you guide me through everything that I'm going through and of course the people around me especially those in my church. I also pray for all the churches around the world facing any challenges that they're having a hard time to overcome. And of course the tragedies that are happening all over the world, please guide them and always remind them that your love can conquer all. They just have to strong in you.
Amen.
xx
Your humble servant,
Kim
If you were in front of me right now, I wouldn't know what to do. Don't even get me started with all the emotions I would feel. I would feel angry with myself, and at the same time I would cry my eyes out because I know I don't deserve to be in your presence nor your love.
But as for now, I know that your spirit's strong in me. I can feel you and I see you too but in a different perspective. I'm going to keep this short, so here it goes God, some of the things I want to say to you because obviously if I told you everything it would be a never ending blog.
-I'm always tired and I don't know why and I pray that I get through school because I am just so emotionally and physically tired all the time.
-I am so passionate about the people around me but sometimes it hurts to care too much.
-I feel like I'm a switch that goes on and off. Sometimes I really feel your presence and sometimes, I feel just feel so dry but I know that you've got me.
-I feel like I need to do something about my SLAP every night because I know that I need it in my life right now and forever of course.
-I feel like I'm struggling to do my job as an officer because I don't know how to move, because I can't do it myself.
-I feel like there are so many obstacle that I am facing faith wise.
-I really love to be your missionary especially in my home church but sometimes I feel like my personality is too strong that I begin to boss around others.
-Lastly, God I just really pray that you guide me through everything that I'm going through and of course the people around me especially those in my church. I also pray for all the churches around the world facing any challenges that they're having a hard time to overcome. And of course the tragedies that are happening all over the world, please guide them and always remind them that your love can conquer all. They just have to strong in you.
Amen.
xx
Your humble servant,
Kim
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Factors
Dear friend,
There is a certain amount of bullshit that nice people can take before they completely go bonkers and for me, there are multiple factors.
Factor #1 (When your best friend is acting like a total bitch)
Not to sound like a dick or anything, but I've honestly kind and understanding but at some point, you just have to give in. My emotions are a mixture of anger because I'm just so done and I don't want to do it anymore, but mostly I just feel depressed because my inner kindness doesn't know how to handle it. but honestly reasons why I feel like this towards my best friend:
-She's being so insensitive that she doesn't even know that what she says hurts me, and that she makes me cry.
-She's never there for me because I know that she would never know what to say.
-Without her knowing, she's very boastful and degrading and rubs in my face that I've completely failed in life :)
-She always tries to insert herself in the parts of my life I don't want her in.
-She doesn't understand that there are just some things I want to keep for myself
-She just doesn't understand, and she doesn't even try.
Factor #2
I never understood why bad people got good things and why good people got bad things, and unfortunately that is happening right now that it's affecting the people who actually do good things, never get credited, but maybe that's because we don't really need prove to other people that what we do is for God, but I just think it's unfair.
I don't think I can list down anymore because a nice person like me doesn't look at the things like that.
xx
There is a certain amount of bullshit that nice people can take before they completely go bonkers and for me, there are multiple factors.
Factor #1 (When your best friend is acting like a total bitch)
Not to sound like a dick or anything, but I've honestly kind and understanding but at some point, you just have to give in. My emotions are a mixture of anger because I'm just so done and I don't want to do it anymore, but mostly I just feel depressed because my inner kindness doesn't know how to handle it. but honestly reasons why I feel like this towards my best friend:
-She's being so insensitive that she doesn't even know that what she says hurts me, and that she makes me cry.
-She's never there for me because I know that she would never know what to say.
-Without her knowing, she's very boastful and degrading and rubs in my face that I've completely failed in life :)
-She always tries to insert herself in the parts of my life I don't want her in.
-She doesn't understand that there are just some things I want to keep for myself
-She just doesn't understand, and she doesn't even try.
Factor #2
I never understood why bad people got good things and why good people got bad things, and unfortunately that is happening right now that it's affecting the people who actually do good things, never get credited, but maybe that's because we don't really need prove to other people that what we do is for God, but I just think it's unfair.
I don't think I can list down anymore because a nice person like me doesn't look at the things like that.
xx
Friday, August 7, 2015
Intentions
Dear Friend,
Everyone seems to be a normal person until the way you look at them changes, of course that doesn't necessarily mean in a bad way or anything but it's our intentions that change. Sometimes we once looked at someone like we wanted to maybe be the person that makes them happy and to be there in the morning to tell them that they look beautiful, even if we haven't seen them and at night to be the last person to make them feel better and then one day your intentions change and then you realise that maybe that person was better off as your friend anyways, but then what changes? of course our intentions but why, why does it change.
Today in physics class we learned that everyone has a different reaction time to things, and I'd like to believe that it's the same way as our perspectives and intentions and even our feelings towards someone, some people (like me) look at a situation, analyses it and just stop my feelings from there, but some people look at a situation and they don't care what the statistics are or the possibilities because that's how they see someone and that's how they want to see someone, even through all the hurt and the pain they want to keep going forward because it's all about the intentions.
Most of the time it feels like shit to get your heart broken but once your intentions change, it's freeing it's amazing it feels like you have nothing to be ashamed of or anything, it's amazing
xx
Everyone seems to be a normal person until the way you look at them changes, of course that doesn't necessarily mean in a bad way or anything but it's our intentions that change. Sometimes we once looked at someone like we wanted to maybe be the person that makes them happy and to be there in the morning to tell them that they look beautiful, even if we haven't seen them and at night to be the last person to make them feel better and then one day your intentions change and then you realise that maybe that person was better off as your friend anyways, but then what changes? of course our intentions but why, why does it change.
Today in physics class we learned that everyone has a different reaction time to things, and I'd like to believe that it's the same way as our perspectives and intentions and even our feelings towards someone, some people (like me) look at a situation, analyses it and just stop my feelings from there, but some people look at a situation and they don't care what the statistics are or the possibilities because that's how they see someone and that's how they want to see someone, even through all the hurt and the pain they want to keep going forward because it's all about the intentions.
Most of the time it feels like shit to get your heart broken but once your intentions change, it's freeing it's amazing it feels like you have nothing to be ashamed of or anything, it's amazing
xx
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Slowly Figuring things out
Dear Friend,
Hi, I haven't written you in a while and I'm sorry, although I really must say that I have changed a lot since the last time I wrote to you. Right now I am more assured of some of the things in my life, I am slowly figuring things out and I'm happy that it's like this because I am almost in college and that scares me but I know that God has a great and majestic plan for me.
IT really does give me high anxiety when I think about college but then there's nothing I can do about it it's inevitable and that's what I've been thinking lately, I have a new perspective in life now it's that everything that happens is inevitable and there's nothing that you can do about it, and I wouldn't want to dwell in it because that would just make it worse, I am just going to deal with the situation and handle it with care and move on and pray that it doesn't happen anymore.
xx
Hi, I haven't written you in a while and I'm sorry, although I really must say that I have changed a lot since the last time I wrote to you. Right now I am more assured of some of the things in my life, I am slowly figuring things out and I'm happy that it's like this because I am almost in college and that scares me but I know that God has a great and majestic plan for me.
IT really does give me high anxiety when I think about college but then there's nothing I can do about it it's inevitable and that's what I've been thinking lately, I have a new perspective in life now it's that everything that happens is inevitable and there's nothing that you can do about it, and I wouldn't want to dwell in it because that would just make it worse, I am just going to deal with the situation and handle it with care and move on and pray that it doesn't happen anymore.
xx
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Goals
Dear friend,
There are some things in life that we say, and obviously at some point we intend to do them but we always end up not doing them. You know what I call that? resolutions and goals. Obviously everyone has the very common goals like graduate high school, go to college have good job have a family be rich so on and so forth but then again everyone is different.
There are two kinds of goals, the general goals and of course your personal goals. I once read an article that said that if you really want to achieve your goal, you don't tell people because if you tell people you will become lazy and end up not doing it and at first I was baffled and at the same time confused because I really am the type of person who is an "open book" so for a while I didn't really mind it and then I thought about it and it actually kind of makes sense. And I've come to the conclusion that it comes down to the element of surprise. Look at it like this, what's a better kind of birthday party, a planned one or one that just comes by surprise? Of course there may be different thought about this but that's how it is with your goal, keep them to yourself so that when you succeed, everyone will be surprised.
xx
There are some things in life that we say, and obviously at some point we intend to do them but we always end up not doing them. You know what I call that? resolutions and goals. Obviously everyone has the very common goals like graduate high school, go to college have good job have a family be rich so on and so forth but then again everyone is different.
There are two kinds of goals, the general goals and of course your personal goals. I once read an article that said that if you really want to achieve your goal, you don't tell people because if you tell people you will become lazy and end up not doing it and at first I was baffled and at the same time confused because I really am the type of person who is an "open book" so for a while I didn't really mind it and then I thought about it and it actually kind of makes sense. And I've come to the conclusion that it comes down to the element of surprise. Look at it like this, what's a better kind of birthday party, a planned one or one that just comes by surprise? Of course there may be different thought about this but that's how it is with your goal, keep them to yourself so that when you succeed, everyone will be surprised.
xx
Friday, July 10, 2015
Same intentions
Dear friend,
He and I have been a very long and complicated story, for me at least. As of right now, I can confidently say that we finally have the same intentions and it makes me feel great. This afternoon made me realise that it's going to be hard for me of course because well it's me, but then again I know and very sure that I now have the same intentions as him and that is the first step to a better relationship with people like him.
Honestly, I don't even know what type of a person he is, I just can't describe him he's like so U G H I can't even give the right words for it not because I have a limited vocabulary of course but I just can't explain it.
xx
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Maybe someday when were better for each other
Dear friend,
I've always had a special place for him in my heart and I may be over it by now I mean it did take me a really long time to get over him but I did but now that were closer, I know for sure that I will always be there for him o matter what the situation or no matter what happens, because I love him and no not that way I'm saying I love him as a whole human being although I have no intention of stealing him from his girlfriend I really do just love him genuinely love him in that case.
Right now I'm happy that we mean a lot to each other and that we genuinely care for one another with all our hearts and I know that because he shows me and I appreciate that but there's nothing romantic that will ever happen for the two of us and that's okay maybe someday when were better for each other but right now, I'm just glad that we genuinely care about one another and I'm really happy about where we are now.
xx
I've always had a special place for him in my heart and I may be over it by now I mean it did take me a really long time to get over him but I did but now that were closer, I know for sure that I will always be there for him o matter what the situation or no matter what happens, because I love him and no not that way I'm saying I love him as a whole human being although I have no intention of stealing him from his girlfriend I really do just love him genuinely love him in that case.
Right now I'm happy that we mean a lot to each other and that we genuinely care for one another with all our hearts and I know that because he shows me and I appreciate that but there's nothing romantic that will ever happen for the two of us and that's okay maybe someday when were better for each other but right now, I'm just glad that we genuinely care about one another and I'm really happy about where we are now.
xx
Friday, June 26, 2015
Prom feelsI
Dear friend,
Junior year. A year wherein the pressure for the future usually begins and honestly I feel like I already failed and my brain feels like mush. And if there's one more thing they're going to add to the absolute bullshit, that is our future they're going to add the fact that there is prom this year.
It's like every guy I even try to like is already waiting for somebody else, and I just wish they would stop waiting for somebody else because I am right here but it's just hard for me to wait for someone who is waiting for someone else and I'm not a slut or anything but I guess I'm still trying to get over "last year" and there's "this year and guess what? they're both waiting for somebody else. I mean I know I'm getting over "last year" it's just hard for me to see him like this and talk about someone else to me, but I don't blame him because I never really told him that I had feelings for him and for "this year" I do want to like him, it's just that he's waiting for somebody else and I have no life. I just want a boy I'm not really desperate or anything but it's prom and I kinda just want it to be special because I am seriously considering taking international baccalaureate next year, I mean I want to stay for senior year but I really am thinking about my future and I just want to be successful.
xx
Junior year. A year wherein the pressure for the future usually begins and honestly I feel like I already failed and my brain feels like mush. And if there's one more thing they're going to add to the absolute bullshit, that is our future they're going to add the fact that there is prom this year.
It's like every guy I even try to like is already waiting for somebody else, and I just wish they would stop waiting for somebody else because I am right here but it's just hard for me to wait for someone who is waiting for someone else and I'm not a slut or anything but I guess I'm still trying to get over "last year" and there's "this year and guess what? they're both waiting for somebody else. I mean I know I'm getting over "last year" it's just hard for me to see him like this and talk about someone else to me, but I don't blame him because I never really told him that I had feelings for him and for "this year" I do want to like him, it's just that he's waiting for somebody else and I have no life. I just want a boy I'm not really desperate or anything but it's prom and I kinda just want it to be special because I am seriously considering taking international baccalaureate next year, I mean I want to stay for senior year but I really am thinking about my future and I just want to be successful.
xx
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Social media awkwardness
Dear friend,
Social media awkwardness. It's so easy for people these days to talk to other people via social media because you can't see them but then when it comes that dreaded moment when you guys actually have to see each other because well you go to the same school or something like that one of the other will eventually find it too awkward too handle, and in this case it's me, why am I not surprised. And that is exactly how I feel and I just hate how we talked so much during the summer and it's so awkward for me to see him during breaks or whatever (and I literally see him everywhere)
And another this that's going to make the already very awkward situation even more awkward is we kind of just stopped talking but he says hi to me in the hallways now un-like the previous days where I would run aways form him and pray to our very loving and forgiving God that he doesn't see me
And today when he said hi to me I knew that it was him that it was the same guy who would make fun of me when I called him dude or the same person that was there for me when I couldn't sleep. And I can honestly say that I fucking miss him. I just don't even know what's going on between the two of us because honestly I know he feels nothing for me but he just makes it seem like he does feel something for me but I don't even know anymore I just honestly want to be happy that's all I want and is it so bad that he makes me happy?
I know that he's nowhere near perfect, he's rude, he acts like a child and don't even get me started with him being NR when he wants to be NR I mean I am the complete opposite of NR and he goes all NR on me my goodness gracious, anyways the purpose of this is not to tell you all his flaws because honestly, in the end he makes me happy and he makes me feel like I'm special even when I'm not.
And yeah I see the same guy that made me smile from my ear to ear but he just stopped trying and it hurts because here I am missing him like crazy and I bet I never even crossed him mind today even when he says hi to me. I just want to know, if there's even the slightest possibility that he would like me because I am here waiting for him but just like he said, "I can't wait forever"
xx
Social media awkwardness. It's so easy for people these days to talk to other people via social media because you can't see them but then when it comes that dreaded moment when you guys actually have to see each other because well you go to the same school or something like that one of the other will eventually find it too awkward too handle, and in this case it's me, why am I not surprised. And that is exactly how I feel and I just hate how we talked so much during the summer and it's so awkward for me to see him during breaks or whatever (and I literally see him everywhere)
And another this that's going to make the already very awkward situation even more awkward is we kind of just stopped talking but he says hi to me in the hallways now un-like the previous days where I would run aways form him and pray to our very loving and forgiving God that he doesn't see me
And today when he said hi to me I knew that it was him that it was the same guy who would make fun of me when I called him dude or the same person that was there for me when I couldn't sleep. And I can honestly say that I fucking miss him. I just don't even know what's going on between the two of us because honestly I know he feels nothing for me but he just makes it seem like he does feel something for me but I don't even know anymore I just honestly want to be happy that's all I want and is it so bad that he makes me happy?
I know that he's nowhere near perfect, he's rude, he acts like a child and don't even get me started with him being NR when he wants to be NR I mean I am the complete opposite of NR and he goes all NR on me my goodness gracious, anyways the purpose of this is not to tell you all his flaws because honestly, in the end he makes me happy and he makes me feel like I'm special even when I'm not.
And yeah I see the same guy that made me smile from my ear to ear but he just stopped trying and it hurts because here I am missing him like crazy and I bet I never even crossed him mind today even when he says hi to me. I just want to know, if there's even the slightest possibility that he would like me because I am here waiting for him but just like he said, "I can't wait forever"
xx
Monday, June 15, 2015
Fuck Boy
Dear Friend,
fuck boys, initially I am not really a very big fan of saying bad words but there just aren't any words for me to describe him I thought I liked him or I don't even know anymore he is the most confusing human being I have ever met it annoys me it's probably because I am confusing my fuck boy radar for my feelings radar, probably because this whole fuck boy thing is still very new to me. Nonetheless, I still think that he is annoying and I probably have feelings for him even though he's a dick. Why does this keep happening to me, why can't I just like a normal guy who won't mess with me or not like me back. I just want a boy :(
xx
fuck boys, initially I am not really a very big fan of saying bad words but there just aren't any words for me to describe him I thought I liked him or I don't even know anymore he is the most confusing human being I have ever met it annoys me it's probably because I am confusing my fuck boy radar for my feelings radar, probably because this whole fuck boy thing is still very new to me. Nonetheless, I still think that he is annoying and I probably have feelings for him even though he's a dick. Why does this keep happening to me, why can't I just like a normal guy who won't mess with me or not like me back. I just want a boy :(
xx
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Nerdy Type
Dear friend,
Is it weird that I sort of have the nerdy type type? I know that sounds redundant but I just have a thing for nerdy guys and I don't know why it's kind of odd isn't it? I mean yeah I like the really attractive usual hotties like young James Franco but I also would go for a nerd.
Nerds are nice and I know you may not believe this but I actually look at the personality. And everyone says that but then again I actually mean it because it's proven. I really am attracted to their personalities no matter how they look and it's so weird. Yes I admit that at first the personality is always important but then not for me most of the time I just want a guy who is nice and caring no matter how he looks.
I really am attracted to guys who are nice and so genuine you know, and don't get me wrong you can really tell if a person is genuine and if the person isn't and nerds usually are very genuine, and really nice. That's what I love about them so much, it's that they're so genuine and kind hearted.
Is it weird that I sort of have the nerdy type type? I know that sounds redundant but I just have a thing for nerdy guys and I don't know why it's kind of odd isn't it? I mean yeah I like the really attractive usual hotties like young James Franco but I also would go for a nerd.
Nerds are nice and I know you may not believe this but I actually look at the personality. And everyone says that but then again I actually mean it because it's proven. I really am attracted to their personalities no matter how they look and it's so weird. Yes I admit that at first the personality is always important but then not for me most of the time I just want a guy who is nice and caring no matter how he looks.
I really am attracted to guys who are nice and so genuine you know, and don't get me wrong you can really tell if a person is genuine and if the person isn't and nerds usually are very genuine, and really nice. That's what I love about them so much, it's that they're so genuine and kind hearted.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Just say it already, because we already know
Dear friend,
You know how boys think they're so slick because they apparently can hide their feelings for somebody behind their apparent "coolness" and their apparently not obvious "moves" to get the girl? boys, honestly I tell you this it is obvious most of the time. I mean you tell one friend and promise me it spreads like wild fire I"m not saying that your friends are conniving un-loyal douches because in my perspective boys are really trust worthy but that's not the point. My point is that it's obvious body movement, whispers, stolen looks they're all a give away I mean I assure you most girls aren't assuming and even once you tell them they're still probably going to act like you didn't tell them or either they like you back which would be very lucky for you bud but unfortunately it's not always like that.
Anyways back to the main reason I decide to write to you today (again) is it's just really obvious I mean it's actually kind of nice the way a boy looks at you when he likes you but he doesn't want to tell you, honestly I already knew before he even told me that he liked me but he is way younger than me so it's funny I mean why do I attract boys who are younger than me? I mean why can't I just attract a guy who's my age or older because I like older guys. anyway we just know I am probably making absolutely no sense right now but boys, girls just know so just say it already/
You know how boys think they're so slick because they apparently can hide their feelings for somebody behind their apparent "coolness" and their apparently not obvious "moves" to get the girl? boys, honestly I tell you this it is obvious most of the time. I mean you tell one friend and promise me it spreads like wild fire I"m not saying that your friends are conniving un-loyal douches because in my perspective boys are really trust worthy but that's not the point. My point is that it's obvious body movement, whispers, stolen looks they're all a give away I mean I assure you most girls aren't assuming and even once you tell them they're still probably going to act like you didn't tell them or either they like you back which would be very lucky for you bud but unfortunately it's not always like that.
Anyways back to the main reason I decide to write to you today (again) is it's just really obvious I mean it's actually kind of nice the way a boy looks at you when he likes you but he doesn't want to tell you, honestly I already knew before he even told me that he liked me but he is way younger than me so it's funny I mean why do I attract boys who are younger than me? I mean why can't I just attract a guy who's my age or older because I like older guys. anyway we just know I am probably making absolutely no sense right now but boys, girls just know so just say it already/
That doesn't matter anymore
Dear friend,
Okay I am really confused but then again, I am always confused about like everything but anyways, so I mean just because you work together doesn't mean that there's something going on right? I mean of course a part of me wants him to like me but then again I guess in the end, it's just another good story that's all it is, a good story.
And there are two sides to every story, and if you don't believe that then believe in the perspective I mean the things I think could be "romantic" or something could be absolutely nothing to him, and yes he remembers the little things I tell him and yes it does surprise me but this time I'm not going to count it anymore.
If you asked me how I felt about him maybe like 4 years ago, I would probably say that I was head over heels in love with him, with every bit of him in fact but right now I don't want to hang on to a moment that probably means nothing to him.
looking back, you'd probably find out that in the past, every little bit of moment we had is tattooed on my mind and honestly it still is but I kinda just stopped hoping because it sucks to get your heart broken.
I mean I'm not bitter or anything but I just don't want to make a big deal out of our moments anymore because if there is a chance we have the worst timing so it's never going to happen. I may want it to happen it never is and I am totally okay with that because that's the way it's always been, we've always been wrong timing.
With him, it's always been more for me but I doubt that it felt the same for him. And guess what? I am totally cool with it, I don't know why but you may call me heartless but it's the truth. And if you asked me right now if I liked him I'd probably say no, and if someone teases me with him, like they always do, I'm probably going to be able to control my smile and not blush because I kinda just stopped hoping.
If I had the chance to take back time and remove him from my life I probably wouldn't do it, and I may sound crazy because he put me through so much and hurt me in so many different ways but I am really grateful for that because to me, he was my first. Not first kiss or anything like that it was more of the innocent things, he was my first love, he was my first real anything actually. He was the first thing in my life that was real. And I will always love him for that, but he's never going to see me the way I used to see him so I guess that's okay.
If there was even the slightest probability of him liking me now I probably wouldn't know what to do honestly because he's been such a big part of my life and in my thoughts he's probably the guy that I always come back to. I may be distracted with some other guy for a while but in the end it's always going to be him, I am always going to choose him but I can never really imagine him liking me.
Do I want him? I actually have no idea because sometimes we don't really think things through and we want things that we can't have, sometimes we just like the thrill of it.
Even though right now I feel nothing for him, every time he looks at me I admit that I still kind of hope that he would look at me the way I look at him and every time he calls my name I admit that I still get excited and I would do anything for him and I know that sounds crazy but it's true and every moment I spend with him I still treasure it and remember each and every word that he says to me. And even the smallest things remind me of him, but I doubt that I have that same impact on me and every time I feel like he doesn't want to be with me, it's like he slowly rips my heart open and every time he leaves, he takes a piece of me with him, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore
xx
Okay I am really confused but then again, I am always confused about like everything but anyways, so I mean just because you work together doesn't mean that there's something going on right? I mean of course a part of me wants him to like me but then again I guess in the end, it's just another good story that's all it is, a good story.
And there are two sides to every story, and if you don't believe that then believe in the perspective I mean the things I think could be "romantic" or something could be absolutely nothing to him, and yes he remembers the little things I tell him and yes it does surprise me but this time I'm not going to count it anymore.
If you asked me how I felt about him maybe like 4 years ago, I would probably say that I was head over heels in love with him, with every bit of him in fact but right now I don't want to hang on to a moment that probably means nothing to him.
looking back, you'd probably find out that in the past, every little bit of moment we had is tattooed on my mind and honestly it still is but I kinda just stopped hoping because it sucks to get your heart broken.
I mean I'm not bitter or anything but I just don't want to make a big deal out of our moments anymore because if there is a chance we have the worst timing so it's never going to happen. I may want it to happen it never is and I am totally okay with that because that's the way it's always been, we've always been wrong timing.
With him, it's always been more for me but I doubt that it felt the same for him. And guess what? I am totally cool with it, I don't know why but you may call me heartless but it's the truth. And if you asked me right now if I liked him I'd probably say no, and if someone teases me with him, like they always do, I'm probably going to be able to control my smile and not blush because I kinda just stopped hoping.
If I had the chance to take back time and remove him from my life I probably wouldn't do it, and I may sound crazy because he put me through so much and hurt me in so many different ways but I am really grateful for that because to me, he was my first. Not first kiss or anything like that it was more of the innocent things, he was my first love, he was my first real anything actually. He was the first thing in my life that was real. And I will always love him for that, but he's never going to see me the way I used to see him so I guess that's okay.
If there was even the slightest probability of him liking me now I probably wouldn't know what to do honestly because he's been such a big part of my life and in my thoughts he's probably the guy that I always come back to. I may be distracted with some other guy for a while but in the end it's always going to be him, I am always going to choose him but I can never really imagine him liking me.
Do I want him? I actually have no idea because sometimes we don't really think things through and we want things that we can't have, sometimes we just like the thrill of it.
Even though right now I feel nothing for him, every time he looks at me I admit that I still kind of hope that he would look at me the way I look at him and every time he calls my name I admit that I still get excited and I would do anything for him and I know that sounds crazy but it's true and every moment I spend with him I still treasure it and remember each and every word that he says to me. And even the smallest things remind me of him, but I doubt that I have that same impact on me and every time I feel like he doesn't want to be with me, it's like he slowly rips my heart open and every time he leaves, he takes a piece of me with him, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore
xx
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Life Must go on
Dear friend,
Well I'm sick af and I feel like my head is going to burst into a million pieces...literally I mean why now, now is like the worst time to get sick this is unacceptable it's like i'm dying or maybe it's jsut because I watch too much Grey's anatomy. Oh and did I mention that my throat is probably bleeding internally but then again I'm probably overthinking because Grey's anatomy. OH and did I mention I'm visited? yep...this is the worst combination ever but at least I don't have cancer right? or do I...(grey's anatomy) OH and did I mention I'm going to be busy af the next couple of events OH and did I mention that I'm supposed to be hosting my first event as an officer for UMC and I'm sick...life is amazing..but I have no one to blame except for myself. I need to learn how to take care of myself. But right now life must go on
xx
Well I'm sick af and I feel like my head is going to burst into a million pieces...literally I mean why now, now is like the worst time to get sick this is unacceptable it's like i'm dying or maybe it's jsut because I watch too much Grey's anatomy. Oh and did I mention that my throat is probably bleeding internally but then again I'm probably overthinking because Grey's anatomy. OH and did I mention I'm visited? yep...this is the worst combination ever but at least I don't have cancer right? or do I...(grey's anatomy) OH and did I mention I'm going to be busy af the next couple of events OH and did I mention that I'm supposed to be hosting my first event as an officer for UMC and I'm sick...life is amazing..but I have no one to blame except for myself. I need to learn how to take care of myself. But right now life must go on
xx
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Real Heartbreak
Dear friend,
Well I now know how real heart break feels like, real heart break is when someone you love doesn't love you back, or when someone cheated on you, real heart break is when you've worked so hard for nothing. That is real heart break.
xx
Well I now know how real heart break feels like, real heart break is when someone you love doesn't love you back, or when someone cheated on you, real heart break is when you've worked so hard for nothing. That is real heart break.
xx
Saturday, May 9, 2015
The way you make me feel
Dear friend,
Professional, that is the goal to be reached, to have a completely professional relationship with him. I have to admit that it's absolutely killing me because as cliché as it sounds, he was my first love, and I am still deciding if I still love him or not. I just like to be around him and I like the way he talks, and the way he walks, he kinda walks like a penguin to be honest, but I like that about him, I also like the way he gets all hyped up when he's energetic or the way he smiles when he's happy, or the fact that we have the same outlooks in life most of the time and it makes me so happy. I mean we have the same interests and were alike, but at the same time were also completely different, and the way he makes me feel kind of scares me, because I am so happy when I am around him and that scares me because me being happy scares me, it scares me a lot, but at the same time he makes me feel like I have butterflies in my stomach when I talk to him, and I apparently smile ear to ear, that's the affect he has on me, it's crazy
xx
Professional, that is the goal to be reached, to have a completely professional relationship with him. I have to admit that it's absolutely killing me because as cliché as it sounds, he was my first love, and I am still deciding if I still love him or not. I just like to be around him and I like the way he talks, and the way he walks, he kinda walks like a penguin to be honest, but I like that about him, I also like the way he gets all hyped up when he's energetic or the way he smiles when he's happy, or the fact that we have the same outlooks in life most of the time and it makes me so happy. I mean we have the same interests and were alike, but at the same time were also completely different, and the way he makes me feel kind of scares me, because I am so happy when I am around him and that scares me because me being happy scares me, it scares me a lot, but at the same time he makes me feel like I have butterflies in my stomach when I talk to him, and I apparently smile ear to ear, that's the affect he has on me, it's crazy
xx
Thinking of you
Dear friend,
I've been through hurt, pain, joy, happiness, basically everything with him and it's so weird how he manages to creep into my life all over again like he did years ago. He is like my Conrad, from the summer I turned pretty (damn it, Jenny Han and you're amazing writing skills) because no matter what he does, I am still gonna end up thinking about him and loving him and it makes me feel like absolute shit.
I really wish he didn't have this effect on me I mean how long have I wasted my time on him? I wasted years on him, and it's weird how much I care for him and I just can't believe it. This is unacceptable, now that we have to work together, I have to remain professional, because
1. You decided not to love him anymore.
2. He has a girlfriend.
3. Work relationships often don't work out, and causes tension and eventually turns into procrastination and a negative work place.
4. He doesn't need you.
5. He is happy with his girlfriend.
6. It's never going to happen.
7. He doesn't love you back, and he never will.
xx
I've been through hurt, pain, joy, happiness, basically everything with him and it's so weird how he manages to creep into my life all over again like he did years ago. He is like my Conrad, from the summer I turned pretty (damn it, Jenny Han and you're amazing writing skills) because no matter what he does, I am still gonna end up thinking about him and loving him and it makes me feel like absolute shit.
I really wish he didn't have this effect on me I mean how long have I wasted my time on him? I wasted years on him, and it's weird how much I care for him and I just can't believe it. This is unacceptable, now that we have to work together, I have to remain professional, because
1. You decided not to love him anymore.
2. He has a girlfriend.
3. Work relationships often don't work out, and causes tension and eventually turns into procrastination and a negative work place.
4. He doesn't need you.
5. He is happy with his girlfriend.
6. It's never going to happen.
7. He doesn't love you back, and he never will.
xx
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I Just can't
Dear friend,
Four days, so much can happen in such little time and I think that's crazy. Actually just a day can already change so much and that's just mind blowing. I just got home from a really nice summer camp that I love attending every year usually but the difference with this year was I was actually being the responsible one and it surprisingly went better than I expected. I mean I they were actually complimenting my skills and that's a really big deal for me because I don't know, it just feels nice to be useful. And I know that God has a plan for me, and that this is most definitely part of his plan but it just feels nice when people tell you that all your hard work payed off.
This camp, he was my partner, in everything I was with him even when I didn't need to be. It was kind of automatic that we were just always together and it felt really nice because we didn't just need each other, but we wanted each other. And it felt pretty damn good.
I just hate that there'e history between us. I mean I did use to like him, for a really long time. I liked him for years and I kind of just moved on and let go, but after this camp we kinda just, I don't know it's so hard to explain. All I know is that I can't like him, but I am pretty freaking sure that half the people in that camp, the ones who don't really know us well think that were dating, and the other half, the one who do know us think were just getting really close and is it bad that I find it so incredibly awkward when people assumer that there's something going on? I honestly don't even know anymore, but all I know is that I can't, I just can't.
xx
Four days, so much can happen in such little time and I think that's crazy. Actually just a day can already change so much and that's just mind blowing. I just got home from a really nice summer camp that I love attending every year usually but the difference with this year was I was actually being the responsible one and it surprisingly went better than I expected. I mean I they were actually complimenting my skills and that's a really big deal for me because I don't know, it just feels nice to be useful. And I know that God has a plan for me, and that this is most definitely part of his plan but it just feels nice when people tell you that all your hard work payed off.
This camp, he was my partner, in everything I was with him even when I didn't need to be. It was kind of automatic that we were just always together and it felt really nice because we didn't just need each other, but we wanted each other. And it felt pretty damn good.
I just hate that there'e history between us. I mean I did use to like him, for a really long time. I liked him for years and I kind of just moved on and let go, but after this camp we kinda just, I don't know it's so hard to explain. All I know is that I can't like him, but I am pretty freaking sure that half the people in that camp, the ones who don't really know us well think that were dating, and the other half, the one who do know us think were just getting really close and is it bad that I find it so incredibly awkward when people assumer that there's something going on? I honestly don't even know anymore, but all I know is that I can't, I just can't.
xx
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Blast from the past
Dear Friend,
HI omg okay so I don't know if you remember A but, I got to talk to him today and I don't know why I am so excited about it and I am freaking out and my emotions are all over the place I don't even know why, I mean my emotions have been all over the place since this morning but when he messaged me I was so surprised and shocked and U G H I miss him so much I don't even know why I am so confused why my feelings just come rushing back it's so weird. I mean I've seen him so many times this year and last year and I didn't really care so why do I care now right? I am so confused I even spent like 5 days with him? I fucking ate with him, like just him. I am so confused. He called me cute like right in front of my face and I didn't really care. But now that I think back to it, I am slowly dying, I miss him so much A G H Lord help me, send help.
xx
HI omg okay so I don't know if you remember A but, I got to talk to him today and I don't know why I am so excited about it and I am freaking out and my emotions are all over the place I don't even know why, I mean my emotions have been all over the place since this morning but when he messaged me I was so surprised and shocked and U G H I miss him so much I don't even know why I am so confused why my feelings just come rushing back it's so weird. I mean I've seen him so many times this year and last year and I didn't really care so why do I care now right? I am so confused I even spent like 5 days with him? I fucking ate with him, like just him. I am so confused. He called me cute like right in front of my face and I didn't really care. But now that I think back to it, I am slowly dying, I miss him so much A G H Lord help me, send help.
xx
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Congrats Bitch
Dear friend,
I've realized today that I'm never going to be happy in this family, never will I laugh again nor be the same anymore because of her, she broke me. And I hope she's proud of herself. If her job was to make her only 2 kinds resent and hate her, then she's doing a wonderful job! because she's the reason I don't want to go home anymore. And I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know my dad feels the same, home is no longer a happy place. Congrats bitch.
xx
I've realized today that I'm never going to be happy in this family, never will I laugh again nor be the same anymore because of her, she broke me. And I hope she's proud of herself. If her job was to make her only 2 kinds resent and hate her, then she's doing a wonderful job! because she's the reason I don't want to go home anymore. And I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know my dad feels the same, home is no longer a happy place. Congrats bitch.
xx
Sometimes, better
Dear Friend,
I guess sometimes, typing down your feelings is better rather than telling someone about them because at least your computer screen doesn't judge right? or at least your computer screen doesn't just avoid you when you want to share or bring you down either, which is sometimes better.
Well I miss him, I miss him a lot and it hurts because it all ended so suddenly, not what i expected at all I don't want us to be the type of people who just talk like once a week and then after that it's all just gone, because I really miss him, but there's nothing I can do about it and it fucking sucks shit.
xx
I guess sometimes, typing down your feelings is better rather than telling someone about them because at least your computer screen doesn't judge right? or at least your computer screen doesn't just avoid you when you want to share or bring you down either, which is sometimes better.
Well I miss him, I miss him a lot and it hurts because it all ended so suddenly, not what i expected at all I don't want us to be the type of people who just talk like once a week and then after that it's all just gone, because I really miss him, but there's nothing I can do about it and it fucking sucks shit.
xx
Everything
Dear friend,
This is the first time that it hurts. It hurts in a way that I don't know how to deal with it. That's how much it hurts. I want to talk to him, I want to talk to him about anything at this point. I just want his presence, or whatever stupid thing we can find to talk about wether it's about your brother's weird hair or about my OCD, I just really miss it, a lot. I miss you.
I don't know why it's like a made a special connection just for you and only you and it kinda scares me how I fall too hard too fast, I really thought you were different, I prayed that you were the one who actually felt the same for me, but I guess I was wrong. There was something, and everything about you, and now you're gone.
xx
This is the first time that it hurts. It hurts in a way that I don't know how to deal with it. That's how much it hurts. I want to talk to him, I want to talk to him about anything at this point. I just want his presence, or whatever stupid thing we can find to talk about wether it's about your brother's weird hair or about my OCD, I just really miss it, a lot. I miss you.
I don't know why it's like a made a special connection just for you and only you and it kinda scares me how I fall too hard too fast, I really thought you were different, I prayed that you were the one who actually felt the same for me, but I guess I was wrong. There was something, and everything about you, and now you're gone.
xx
Friday, April 17, 2015
Adios
Dear Friend,
I already know. He didn't even have to say anything, but it's clear as clear can be. He doesn't have the same intentions as I did at first and I know that now and it's okay. Just because you can't understand it, doesn't mean you can't accept it. And I accept it but it just hurts because I put in so much effort and now just like that it all ends. It hurts, it hurts a lot but there's nothing I can really do about it but to accept it.
xx
I already know. He didn't even have to say anything, but it's clear as clear can be. He doesn't have the same intentions as I did at first and I know that now and it's okay. Just because you can't understand it, doesn't mean you can't accept it. And I accept it but it just hurts because I put in so much effort and now just like that it all ends. It hurts, it hurts a lot but there's nothing I can really do about it but to accept it.
xx
U G H
Dear Friend,
I know you must be so annoyed with me right now but I just U G H he makes me feel so U G H sometimes I really am like all over the fact that I am talking to him but then sometimes I just want to rip his head off because I don't know he's so NR and U G H I basically just want to fly a thousand miles to where he is right now and just tell him to just clarify things I mean just to get it over with.
xx
I know you must be so annoyed with me right now but I just U G H he makes me feel so U G H sometimes I really am like all over the fact that I am talking to him but then sometimes I just want to rip his head off because I don't know he's so NR and U G H I basically just want to fly a thousand miles to where he is right now and just tell him to just clarify things I mean just to get it over with.
xx
Everything I wish I could say to you
Dear Person who's name shall be left un-named for protective purposes,
Hi, I just wanted to start off by saying you are a wonderful human being inside and out and I love you, all of you even your flaws I love every inch of you and I am so glad that I met you. I also wanted to say I think about you, I think about you a lot that it's hurting me. You make me smile and laugh and inconsolable at the same time. You are literally in my head all the time and this is not healthy because I don't know where your head's at. There's a part of me that wants to believe that feel the same way because you actually put in the effort to talk to me everyday and trying to get to know me but then again there's this other side of me that thinks that you probably would never like me because you basically tell me that you're not ready for anything but then again there's this one last side of me that thinks that it's funny because you like someone or you're getting over someone but it's all very confusing because I don't know what's going on with you and I never did.
Do you like her or do you not like her because I just need an answer because I don't know what's going on in your head I am just dying to know how you feel because I am already admitting to myself that my pride over comes my feelings therefore I am never going to have the guts to ask you how you feel partially because of my pride but then again because I'm afraid of what you might say. That you're gonna say that you just see me as a friend and that my heart is gonna break into a million pieces. And I don't want it to but you're just sending me so much mixed signals I don't understand you at all I just wish you could tell me how you feel, but then again I'm too afraid to ask.
xx
You stress me out
Dear Friend,
Okay because I am an insomniac it gives me a lot of time to think, think about well life and now that I think of it well He is adorable but he stressed the crap out of me. I mean were friends, that talk everyday and we aren't that close but we are close but then I don't know I mean I talk to him everyday even though honestly I don't know. because we talk everyday but we don't like each other or there is no interests of making this into a relationship at all. I AM SO CONFUSED because I mean if he told me he liked me, I would tell him I liked him too and then we could move on with life and try to be something but then if he doesn't want then fine but I just need to know what he wants from me like does he want to be friends, or what does he want to be because obviously you act different with the person you like and the person you are friends with right I mean if I were to be friends with him, I would tell him about my day and open up to him and be all like "OMG I saw a cute boy today" or something like that but then If he were to like me and vice versa I would tell him about my day and I would show extra care. I know it kinda sounds weird but then I just want to know because I think he is driving me crazy. He is driving me mad. I think I am going absolutely bonkers. I just want to know what will become of the two of us because if he told me he would like me then good then we could try to be something but if we were to be friends then I don't know. I just don't know.
xx
Okay because I am an insomniac it gives me a lot of time to think, think about well life and now that I think of it well He is adorable but he stressed the crap out of me. I mean were friends, that talk everyday and we aren't that close but we are close but then I don't know I mean I talk to him everyday even though honestly I don't know. because we talk everyday but we don't like each other or there is no interests of making this into a relationship at all. I AM SO CONFUSED because I mean if he told me he liked me, I would tell him I liked him too and then we could move on with life and try to be something but then if he doesn't want then fine but I just need to know what he wants from me like does he want to be friends, or what does he want to be because obviously you act different with the person you like and the person you are friends with right I mean if I were to be friends with him, I would tell him about my day and open up to him and be all like "OMG I saw a cute boy today" or something like that but then If he were to like me and vice versa I would tell him about my day and I would show extra care. I know it kinda sounds weird but then I just want to know because I think he is driving me crazy. He is driving me mad. I think I am going absolutely bonkers. I just want to know what will become of the two of us because if he told me he would like me then good then we could try to be something but if we were to be friends then I don't know. I just don't know.
xx
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Dear Future self
Dear future self,
As you know I am basically talking to myself but my future self but I think it's a good idea. At least it seems like a good idea right now.
Okay Kim, right now you've hit rock bottom and I need you to get the back fuck up. I know you don't want to do this for others, but then do it for God and yourself. Make God proud this year. This is your year you have to get all your shit together you have all the resources in order for you to get your shit together, use all of these resources to be the best that you can be. I know you want to serve and you will but you need to work on yourself in order for you to serve others. Be an example to others. You need to be the person everybody looks up to. Be the nicest as you can be, and the sincerest that you can be. Kim, you have this one chance to be the best that you can be please don't take this opportunity for granted. This is such a good opportunity in fact this is the best opportunity that you can possibly get. Stop being lazy, every time you feel like being lazy get the fuck up because I can see so much potential in you. I know that it may sound cray because you're well me but I know that we can do it I know we can.
xx
A cry for help
Dear friend,
From now on I am a new version of myself, a better version and honestly this is the only time I am going to think of myself. I don't want to live for anyone but God. I am going to put my grades up, not because I want to fucking make my parents proud, because fuck that. I respect that and all it's jsut they're irrelevant. I am doing everything for God I claim that now and this year, is going to be my year, this year is the year wherein I take in all my responsibilities and knock the shit out of them, I am going to be studious not for my fucking parents but for myself and Christ. I am going to be the best fucking missionary the world has seen and the most caring out there. You just see.
xx
From now on I am a new version of myself, a better version and honestly this is the only time I am going to think of myself. I don't want to live for anyone but God. I am going to put my grades up, not because I want to fucking make my parents proud, because fuck that. I respect that and all it's jsut they're irrelevant. I am doing everything for God I claim that now and this year, is going to be my year, this year is the year wherein I take in all my responsibilities and knock the shit out of them, I am going to be studious not for my fucking parents but for myself and Christ. I am going to be the best fucking missionary the world has seen and the most caring out there. You just see.
xx
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Of course
Dear Friend,
There are so many emotions bottling up with me right now I feel like I want to scream and shout and cry at the same time, and no I am not on my period (in case you were wondering) anyways today is the first day we haven't talked like at all. And I am totally cool with it but I also want him to message me of course because I mean I've been talking to him for a while now that I kind of expect him to message me everyday, but then again it doesn't matter because I don't like him. Or that's what I think at least. What the heck am I saying of course I like him u g h
xx
There are so many emotions bottling up with me right now I feel like I want to scream and shout and cry at the same time, and no I am not on my period (in case you were wondering) anyways today is the first day we haven't talked like at all. And I am totally cool with it but I also want him to message me of course because I mean I've been talking to him for a while now that I kind of expect him to message me everyday, but then again it doesn't matter because I don't like him. Or that's what I think at least. What the heck am I saying of course I like him u g h
xx
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Heart break Warfare
Dear friend,
Heart-breaks what experience do I have in this? a lot more than I'd hope for. The past few heart-breaks weren't as serious and I truly do believe that I haven't had my heart broken for real, nothing serious you know and I've been grateful for that. but this heart-break is actually quite different from the past heart-breaks because I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be well yeah i'm pretty bummed about it but it's not really a big deal anymore because I actually don't know how I feel right now it's crazy. I mean this time I hoped for a guy to like me and I was so hopeful that he would like me back, I actually thought that he already did but he likes someone else and were friends...friends that talk everyday wow I highly doubt that can even happen in these days anymore friends don't do that anymore, unless you're like super close. I'm just so fucking confused it's not even funny. I don't understand how confused I am it's weird. But I guess I'm just gonna stop talking to him or whatever God wants right? he did say that he's trying to get over her, but I don't want to wait for anyone, I want to be someone's first choice but how can he even think of me as a choice when I never told him how I felt. If only he knew right? I know I am probably making absolutely no sense right now but that's how crazy my mind is, specially when it's heartbroken.
xx
Heart-breaks what experience do I have in this? a lot more than I'd hope for. The past few heart-breaks weren't as serious and I truly do believe that I haven't had my heart broken for real, nothing serious you know and I've been grateful for that. but this heart-break is actually quite different from the past heart-breaks because I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be well yeah i'm pretty bummed about it but it's not really a big deal anymore because I actually don't know how I feel right now it's crazy. I mean this time I hoped for a guy to like me and I was so hopeful that he would like me back, I actually thought that he already did but he likes someone else and were friends...friends that talk everyday wow I highly doubt that can even happen in these days anymore friends don't do that anymore, unless you're like super close. I'm just so fucking confused it's not even funny. I don't understand how confused I am it's weird. But I guess I'm just gonna stop talking to him or whatever God wants right? he did say that he's trying to get over her, but I don't want to wait for anyone, I want to be someone's first choice but how can he even think of me as a choice when I never told him how I felt. If only he knew right? I know I am probably making absolutely no sense right now but that's how crazy my mind is, specially when it's heartbroken.
xx
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Utterly disappointed
Dear friend,
Well based on the title of this letter, I am utterly disappointed no words can express enough how utterly dismayed I am with her behaviour. It's so disappointing it's almost sickening. Despite the fact of her about to become one of the most respected heads of next year, her behaviour or shall I say attitude disgusts me. She is acting like an immature bitch. She is basically acting like a complete bitch and it isn't very good for her image and I know that isn't something you should think about but if you're a member of a prestigious and well respected organisation then your image will show your character. And your character is crucial for very big opportunities such as being a future head.
xx
Well based on the title of this letter, I am utterly disappointed no words can express enough how utterly dismayed I am with her behaviour. It's so disappointing it's almost sickening. Despite the fact of her about to become one of the most respected heads of next year, her behaviour or shall I say attitude disgusts me. She is acting like an immature bitch. She is basically acting like a complete bitch and it isn't very good for her image and I know that isn't something you should think about but if you're a member of a prestigious and well respected organisation then your image will show your character. And your character is crucial for very big opportunities such as being a future head.
xx
Monday, April 6, 2015
Terrified
Dear friend,
The mere thought of the future scares the crap out of me. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Right now I don't really know what I want for myself, when people ask me what I want to be I alway say I want to become a lawyer, but I don't really know anymore. I do want to become a successful lawyer someday but I don't know. My life right now is filled with "I don't knows" and "I have no idea" right now I am just focused on getting all my shit together tis summer finish everything and just make this year count, I am going to try from the start, no more procrastination and my future relies on this year. I really am praying for it, and I hope that you pray for me as well.
xx
The mere thought of the future scares the crap out of me. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Right now I don't really know what I want for myself, when people ask me what I want to be I alway say I want to become a lawyer, but I don't really know anymore. I do want to become a successful lawyer someday but I don't know. My life right now is filled with "I don't knows" and "I have no idea" right now I am just focused on getting all my shit together tis summer finish everything and just make this year count, I am going to try from the start, no more procrastination and my future relies on this year. I really am praying for it, and I hope that you pray for me as well.
xx
Obligated
Dear friend,
I know that he isn't obligated to reply to me and there are so much things that keep him from talking to me and stuff but it would still be really nice if he did reply I didn't keep my hope up or anything, but it would've been really nice if he did actually make more of an effort it hurts but it's inevitable maybe it just wasn't right for me.
xx
I know that he isn't obligated to reply to me and there are so much things that keep him from talking to me and stuff but it would still be really nice if he did reply I didn't keep my hope up or anything, but it would've been really nice if he did actually make more of an effort it hurts but it's inevitable maybe it just wasn't right for me.
xx
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
When I see you again
Dear friend,
Well I was supposed to be gone for a week and I don't know I had a sudden homewards bound trip but I'll be back tomorrow as soon as I can. And I told myself that I would try to resist him and not talk to him but I can't it's like he's in my head 24/7 it's weird and crazy and I hate it but I love it at the same time but it's crazy because I am literally surrounded by extremely blessed people as of the moment, but all I can think about is him and it's weird because there's a voice in my head that always says "it's okay, you have him" and it's crazy and weird because I still doubt everything I just want to have a serious talk with him and just clear things up because I just want to ask him"do you like me, or not if no, then stop talking to me, because I don't need you to fuck with my feelings any longer, but if you do happen to like me, then good because I may be in love with you.
xx
Well I was supposed to be gone for a week and I don't know I had a sudden homewards bound trip but I'll be back tomorrow as soon as I can. And I told myself that I would try to resist him and not talk to him but I can't it's like he's in my head 24/7 it's weird and crazy and I hate it but I love it at the same time but it's crazy because I am literally surrounded by extremely blessed people as of the moment, but all I can think about is him and it's weird because there's a voice in my head that always says "it's okay, you have him" and it's crazy and weird because I still doubt everything I just want to have a serious talk with him and just clear things up because I just want to ask him"do you like me, or not if no, then stop talking to me, because I don't need you to fuck with my feelings any longer, but if you do happen to like me, then good because I may be in love with you.
xx
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Maybe, it's just not meant to be
Dear friend,
Despite going completely mad, I have now come to the conclusion that maybe it just isn't mean to be. I know yo probably expected me to be sad or completely weeped but actually I'm not I'm surprisingly okay with it because I don't know I've fully accepted it and I am okay with it. I just want him to know what he's missing though like he is missing a lot, but there's nothing we can really do about that because it's not what's meant to be.
xx
Despite going completely mad, I have now come to the conclusion that maybe it just isn't mean to be. I know yo probably expected me to be sad or completely weeped but actually I'm not I'm surprisingly okay with it because I don't know I've fully accepted it and I am okay with it. I just want him to know what he's missing though like he is missing a lot, but there's nothing we can really do about that because it's not what's meant to be.
xx
First of all
Dear friend,
Okay first of all, if you really wanted to talk to me then you would've done found a way to message me and not just fucking U G H I'm so mad at you right now, but then at the same fucking time, you're making me sad as fuck because I like you, I actually really like you I can't fucking believe i'm saying this...but yeah you know what I mean U GH i just hate how you make me feel like I love you and then make me feel like I fucking hate you. Honestly, you are driving me completely bonkers! And I thought it was supposed to be vice versa.. u g h what I would do to know what you were thinking right now.
xx
Okay first of all, if you really wanted to talk to me then you would've done found a way to message me and not just fucking U G H I'm so mad at you right now, but then at the same fucking time, you're making me sad as fuck because I like you, I actually really like you I can't fucking believe i'm saying this...but yeah you know what I mean U GH i just hate how you make me feel like I love you and then make me feel like I fucking hate you. Honestly, you are driving me completely bonkers! And I thought it was supposed to be vice versa.. u g h what I would do to know what you were thinking right now.
xx
Saturday, March 28, 2015
2 voices in my head
Dear friend,
Is it even possible how you can care so much about a person in so little time I mean I care about him so much that it's weird and what's even weirder is that I know the things he likes and the things he hates and I constantly find the need to talk to him, but were not the kind of people who talk like "Oh, did you eat already" constantly or anything although I do ask him that sometimes, but you know what I mean, it's not the sweet kind of talk all the time but it also is. I just don't understand what is happening anymore I am honestly so confused, there are two voices in my head, one is saying "You just have to not over think it and just live in the moment, and that I should just talk to him and see what happens" and then there's another voice in my head saying "Aw he likes you and you like him, so what are you waiting for just tell him" and I don't even know what to do, if he was confused before, and is still confused right now, then i'm like 84759873 times even more confused.
xx
Is it even possible how you can care so much about a person in so little time I mean I care about him so much that it's weird and what's even weirder is that I know the things he likes and the things he hates and I constantly find the need to talk to him, but were not the kind of people who talk like "Oh, did you eat already" constantly or anything although I do ask him that sometimes, but you know what I mean, it's not the sweet kind of talk all the time but it also is. I just don't understand what is happening anymore I am honestly so confused, there are two voices in my head, one is saying "You just have to not over think it and just live in the moment, and that I should just talk to him and see what happens" and then there's another voice in my head saying "Aw he likes you and you like him, so what are you waiting for just tell him" and I don't even know what to do, if he was confused before, and is still confused right now, then i'm like 84759873 times even more confused.
xx
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Stop Fucking with my feelings
Dear friend,
Well I am utterly confused but I would really like it if he just stopped fucking with my feelings I mean stop with the mixed signals, I thought that were never going to talk about it ever but here you are fucking with my feelings asking me how I am or asking me what I'm doing for this summer I can't take it unless were on the same page, which I don't really know because I don't even know what page I'm on! see you being confused is confusing me. I just wish you would stop fucking with my feelings but i don't even know if I'm fucking with you're feelings also. I don't even know anymore
xx
Well I am utterly confused but I would really like it if he just stopped fucking with my feelings I mean stop with the mixed signals, I thought that were never going to talk about it ever but here you are fucking with my feelings asking me how I am or asking me what I'm doing for this summer I can't take it unless were on the same page, which I don't really know because I don't even know what page I'm on! see you being confused is confusing me. I just wish you would stop fucking with my feelings but i don't even know if I'm fucking with you're feelings also. I don't even know anymore
xx
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
To all the boys out there
Dear Friend,
Well I love how girls have different shapes and sizes and are all different in beauty and in self-confidence as well. And there I understand why boys like her so much and why boys don't like me well it's not that I'm ugly or anything (because in order for you to love others, you must love yourself first) but she's usually the one who gets noticed first and I am totally okay with it because for as long as I've known her, it's always been her that boys drawl all over and I'm super okay with that. Although it makes me really happy to know that people actually find me beautiful I men no comparison or anything but first people actually choose me and that is was a lot and that the one person who I wanted to choose me, choose me and it makes me extremely happy, ahh so to all the boys out there, please be careful because your words, have a big affect on girls it really does mean a lot to us, so please be careful
xx
Well I love how girls have different shapes and sizes and are all different in beauty and in self-confidence as well. And there I understand why boys like her so much and why boys don't like me well it's not that I'm ugly or anything (because in order for you to love others, you must love yourself first) but she's usually the one who gets noticed first and I am totally okay with it because for as long as I've known her, it's always been her that boys drawl all over and I'm super okay with that. Although it makes me really happy to know that people actually find me beautiful I men no comparison or anything but first people actually choose me and that is was a lot and that the one person who I wanted to choose me, choose me and it makes me extremely happy, ahh so to all the boys out there, please be careful because your words, have a big affect on girls it really does mean a lot to us, so please be careful
xx
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Roads
Dear friend,
Well I know you probably think I'm mad but I really like him I actually do and I've been asking around and he is the gentleman he shows me and I really like him he's a pretty solid guy he's so ideal he had all the things I want in someone, he's handsome I mean come on, he's a gentleman I mean do you know how hard it is to find someone actually descent in this horrid place? it's beyond exhausting and at times it seems almost impossible but then I found him and looking back, I regret everything, because I was so stuck in my small little group of friends that aren't worth shit, no offence that I didn't get to notice people like him, he is probably the most under-rated guy I have ever met I mean people don't give him enough credit. He is handsome, he is a football player, he is smart, extremely nice and he is a gentleman what else could I ask for right?
Well I know you probably think I'm mad but I really like him I actually do and I've been asking around and he is the gentleman he shows me and I really like him he's a pretty solid guy he's so ideal he had all the things I want in someone, he's handsome I mean come on, he's a gentleman I mean do you know how hard it is to find someone actually descent in this horrid place? it's beyond exhausting and at times it seems almost impossible but then I found him and looking back, I regret everything, because I was so stuck in my small little group of friends that aren't worth shit, no offence that I didn't get to notice people like him, he is probably the most under-rated guy I have ever met I mean people don't give him enough credit. He is handsome, he is a football player, he is smart, extremely nice and he is a gentleman what else could I ask for right?
You useless piece of absolute fuckery
Dear friend,
Well I love everyone that's for sure but I'm absolutely glad that you are getting all the bullshit you're getting because you're such a bitch and you deserve everything that you're getting ahh I love to sit and watch people like you go absolutely bonkers because you're finally getting all the shit you should've gotten a long time ago.
xx
Well I love everyone that's for sure but I'm absolutely glad that you are getting all the bullshit you're getting because you're such a bitch and you deserve everything that you're getting ahh I love to sit and watch people like you go absolutely bonkers because you're finally getting all the shit you should've gotten a long time ago.
xx
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Tired...exhausted
Dear friend,
Well today I did some of the things I didn't know I would do and I kinda like it, actually I really like it and I like it a lot I mean it's not a big deal or anything like drugs or anything I guess it was just fun you know to do things you're not really used to and I like it. It's a good change.
A lot of people would say that it's a bad ting to hang out with people like that but I like it they make me fell well....alive I mean I'm just so tired of being a good girl all the time, I mean I'm so tired of being the good girl in the group all the time I mean I'm not necessarily saying that I want to be such a cool girl doing drugs and like going to all the cool kid parties and shit I'm just saying I want to be normal but then I also don't want to because it's going to feel super good in heaven when I'm there but like I don't know, I just want to live like to the fullest and not be such a prude all the time it's bullocks.
Well today I did some of the things I didn't know I would do and I kinda like it, actually I really like it and I like it a lot I mean it's not a big deal or anything like drugs or anything I guess it was just fun you know to do things you're not really used to and I like it. It's a good change.
A lot of people would say that it's a bad ting to hang out with people like that but I like it they make me fell well....alive I mean I'm just so tired of being a good girl all the time, I mean I'm so tired of being the good girl in the group all the time I mean I'm not necessarily saying that I want to be such a cool girl doing drugs and like going to all the cool kid parties and shit I'm just saying I want to be normal but then I also don't want to because it's going to feel super good in heaven when I'm there but like I don't know, I just want to live like to the fullest and not be such a prude all the time it's bullocks.
Friday, March 13, 2015
understanding
Dear friend,
Well it's so hard for me to figure out why people do things that they're probably going to end up regretting in the near by future. And one of the things I also don't understand is why people are such in a hurry to grow up, I mean one day, they're going to look up and realise that being a grown up isn't as good as they thought it would be. And one of the very few things that I also wonder about is why people are such social climbers, I mean I don't understand the need to be popular so much, It doesn't make any sense to me at all because it's pointless. Yes I do want to have fun and live my high school life, but I want to live my high school life and not regret anything, for all I know she'll be pregnant already. by this time, you've probably realised that yes I am talking about someone because I mean she's jus trying too hard to fit in with everyone. and I don't like who she's becoming it saddens me.
Well it's so hard for me to figure out why people do things that they're probably going to end up regretting in the near by future. And one of the things I also don't understand is why people are such in a hurry to grow up, I mean one day, they're going to look up and realise that being a grown up isn't as good as they thought it would be. And one of the very few things that I also wonder about is why people are such social climbers, I mean I don't understand the need to be popular so much, It doesn't make any sense to me at all because it's pointless. Yes I do want to have fun and live my high school life, but I want to live my high school life and not regret anything, for all I know she'll be pregnant already. by this time, you've probably realised that yes I am talking about someone because I mean she's jus trying too hard to fit in with everyone. and I don't like who she's becoming it saddens me.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Dazed and Confused
Dear friend,
Well, the first thing I would like to ask you is what exactly are we doing here? I mean were here to study and have good futures I get that, but its the in between that scares me. Relationships, studies, friendship, extra curricular? I mean it all drives you completely bonkers at some point. I mean look at me for example, I am probably in love with someone who has a girlfriend, and I still skim through the facebook and other social media sites of the person who used to be completely in love with me, whom I never loved back but I never understood why. I mean he is a great guy in general, he is musically inclined, I mean he is not bad, but I guess I always look for the best and I'm sorry but I just don't see it in him. I mean why can't I just like someone who already likes me? I mean it's not hard right? my goodness it's not that hard so why does it seem impossible for me to like him back? and why is it so easy for me to fall in love with someone who, yes, cares about me but will never ever look at me the same way I look at him?
There are so much things in my life that I can't explain, like the fact that I am my brother's problem, and he is mine, but we all seem to be fine with it. Or the fact that I don't know what I'm supposed to do half of the time, or what's going to happen next, but I guess that's what's good with being a person my age, I get to be confused and I get to overthink, because in the end, we're all just Dazed and Confused.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Just say it already!
Dear friend,
Well most recently, well right now actually, I am watching a movie called "Two weeks notice" and it stars Hugh Grant, whom I absolutely love, and Sandra Bullock who I adore. And watching movies for me isn't a surprise at all, I mean I am in love with movies I love and adore movies but I'm just so mad because as the story goes Sandra Bullock and Hugh grant are sort of in love with each other but they just don't wan to say anything and I hate situations like these because I mean if you guys are completely in love with someone else, just tell them or else you're going to fucking lose them to some other ratchet hoe.
I'm sorry friend, please mind the language, I guess I'm just mad not only because of the movie, but the mere situation I mean personally, I know how hard it is to tell people how you fell but then if it's so very clearly obvious that you two have feelings for each other then why not right? I just hate how people have to wait so long to tell other people that you love them I mean Just say it already!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Dear friend,
Do you know what sucks? What sucks is liking someone who loves someone else and you know what else sucks? Is when you're right there to witness it all happen, you're there through all their downs and you're there through all their ups. Oh and another thing that sucks is that overthinking because what if you had had made a move earlier before they even happened? Would it have turned out different? probably not.
It just sucks because you have to stand there and fall slowly and do nothing about it and you're actually there for him and knowing he's never gonna like you back makes you feel like absolute shit.
And it sucks because I spend so much time with him and yet I still know that i'm never gonna be good enough for him, and seeing them hurts. It hurts, mostly because I'm so comfortable with him, and I've been looking for that comfortability for so long and I could literally tell him anything and do anything around him. And you know what else sucks? Is the fact that were "just friends" actually you know what it doesn't even suck, it just hurts.
Do you know what sucks? What sucks is liking someone who loves someone else and you know what else sucks? Is when you're right there to witness it all happen, you're there through all their downs and you're there through all their ups. Oh and another thing that sucks is that overthinking because what if you had had made a move earlier before they even happened? Would it have turned out different? probably not.
It just sucks because you have to stand there and fall slowly and do nothing about it and you're actually there for him and knowing he's never gonna like you back makes you feel like absolute shit.
And it sucks because I spend so much time with him and yet I still know that i'm never gonna be good enough for him, and seeing them hurts. It hurts, mostly because I'm so comfortable with him, and I've been looking for that comfortability for so long and I could literally tell him anything and do anything around him. And you know what else sucks? Is the fact that were "just friends" actually you know what it doesn't even suck, it just hurts.
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