That doesn't matter anymore

Dear friend,

Okay I am really confused but then again, I am always confused about like everything but anyways, so I mean just because you work together doesn't mean that there's something going on right? I mean of course a part of me wants him to like me but then again I guess in the end, it's just another good story that's all it is, a good story.

And there are two sides to every story, and if you don't believe that then believe in the perspective I mean the things I think could be "romantic" or something could be absolutely nothing to him, and yes he remembers the little things I tell him and yes it does surprise me but this time I'm not going to count it anymore.

If you asked me how I felt about him maybe like 4 years ago, I would probably say that I was head over heels in love with him, with every bit of him in fact but right now I don't want to hang on to a moment that probably means nothing to him.

looking back, you'd probably find out that in the past, every little bit of moment we had is tattooed on my mind and honestly it still is but I kinda just stopped hoping because it sucks to get your heart broken.

I mean I'm not bitter or anything but I just don't want to make a big deal out of our moments anymore because if there is a chance we have the worst timing so it's never going to happen. I may want it to happen it never is and I am totally okay with that because that's the way it's always been, we've always been wrong timing.

With him, it's always been more for me but I doubt that it felt the same for him. And guess what? I am totally cool with it, I don't know why but you may call me heartless but it's the truth. And if you asked me right now if I liked him I'd probably say no, and if someone teases me with him, like they always do, I'm probably going to be able to control my smile and not blush because I kinda just stopped hoping.

If I had the chance to take back time and remove him from my life I probably wouldn't do it, and I may sound crazy because he put me through so much and hurt me in so many different ways but I am really grateful for that because to me, he was my first. Not first kiss or anything like that it was more of the innocent things, he was my first love, he was my first real anything actually. He was the first thing in my life that was real. And I will always love him for that, but he's never going to see me the way I used to see him so I guess that's okay.

If there was even the slightest probability of him liking me now I probably wouldn't know what to do honestly because he's been such a big part of my life and in my thoughts he's probably the guy that I always come back to. I may be distracted with some other guy for a while but in the end it's always going to be him, I am always going to choose him but I can never really imagine him liking me.

Do I want him? I actually have no idea because sometimes we don't really think things through and we want things that we can't have, sometimes we just like the thrill of it.

Even though right now I feel nothing for him, every time he looks at me I admit that I still kind of hope that he would look at me the way I look at him and every time he calls my name I admit that I still get excited and I would do anything for him and I know that sounds crazy but it's true and every moment I spend with him I still treasure it and remember each and every word that he says to me. And even the smallest things remind me of him, but I doubt that I have that same impact on me and every time I feel like he doesn't want to be with me, it's like he slowly rips my heart open and every time he leaves, he takes a piece of me with him, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore

xx