Dear friend,
I wonder what happened to love. These days, talking everyday over a screen is apparently counted as love. These days, saying "I love you" is so common that it loses its meaning. These days, there are so much misconceptions of love that it leads to such bad outcomes. Many of my friends call me a cynic, but I beg to differ because I'm not against love, I'm against what we think is counted as love nowadays.
Whatever happened to actually having a descent conversation in person instead of 2 am booty texts? Whatever happened to actually calling a girl and asking her out on a date instead of saying "wanna hang?" Don't get me wrong, in our generation it's important to have contact over your phone but you always have to remember that your number 1 priority is to get close in person.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Friday, July 1, 2016
Oh well
Dear friend,
It takes me 2 seconds to make a decision or to move on, it is both a cruse and a gift. Just a few hours ago, I said I wouldn't be affected, but now I am. I hate thinking about the things that could happen, but are never gonna happen. I have keeping my hopes up, because it leads to nothing but disappointment and heart break. Wow I am over thinking of everything that I'm actually laughing at myself. Why am I making this such a big deal? WOW I have never felt so stupid. I HATE BOYS. I have never felt like this, but I guess just give me a while, and I'll get over it.
It takes me 2 seconds to make a decision or to move on, it is both a cruse and a gift. Just a few hours ago, I said I wouldn't be affected, but now I am. I hate thinking about the things that could happen, but are never gonna happen. I have keeping my hopes up, because it leads to nothing but disappointment and heart break. Wow I am over thinking of everything that I'm actually laughing at myself. Why am I making this such a big deal? WOW I have never felt so stupid. I HATE BOYS. I have never felt like this, but I guess just give me a while, and I'll get over it.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
A series of letters
Dear friend,
There are some people in this world, who feel many things but cannot seem to utter the words to explain exactly how they feel. I am one of them. All throughout my life, I have felt many things towards many people and at one point, I was convinced it was love and at another I was convinced it was infatuation. Although now, I know that it's neither. You see, I like to believe that as I matured, so did my understanding of things and feelings. Although I'm still getting the hang of it, I somewhat know how to determine whether it's love, infatuation, or if I'm simply fond of a person. Although recently, I feel like my maturity has taken an awful turn for the worse. I tend to ask or want people but when I finally have them within my grasps, I realise that they're not for me. It's like when you're shopping, you take a shirt from the rack in hopes that it'll suite you, although when you try it on you eventually realise that it just isn't for you. I am like that with most boys I encounter. I know it sounds like I'm full of myself but I apologise although, I am not at fault for whatever aspect of myself they find interest in. Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
To the people who I thought I loved.
Love is such a strong word, and I'm sorry that you thought I loved you, and I apologise if I said or did anything that made you believe I loved you like that. I want you to know that I don't mean to write this to hurt you, instead I want to clarify with you. I want to start of with saying that my heart is filled with love and I want to be able to give it to everyone. I'm sorry if I made it seem like I could contain my love for only one person (you). I take full responsibility of my actions, and I'm sorry. But please know, that I want both of you to succeed and I think that you are such a good person. I know that someday, you'll find someone who appreciates everything that you do. I'm sorry that I couldn't be that person for you right now. But keep looking, and I assure you that you'll find her someday. I wish you joy and happiness, but most of all I wish you the best.
There are many people in my life that I have grown fond of and each and everyone of them has a special place in my heart, and they're so special that I can't even write a general letter for them. So I'll just focus on one as of now.
To you,
Hi. I know that God sent me to be your prayer partner that night, and I know that God also planned for me to be your spiritual guide. I want to apologise because I acted so immaturely and I was probably not in the position to say the things that I did. Whether it was true or not, I know that you're trying to change and I can see that. I know that we're not even close enough to talk about your actions and I'm sorry if I overstepped. With whatever you're doing, I know that God is proud of you and I know that you know what you're doing. Please know that I really am genuinely sorry for the way I acted. I wanted to apologise before you left, but it seemed as if something was bothering you so I didn't want to add to anything, and also I didn't have the guts to. I don't want to burn bridges with anyone, that's why I'm saying sorry. I'm saddened that all of this had to happen towards the end because I was, and still am quite fond of you. Don't get me wrong, I have no feelings for you whatsoever, you still can't fool me with your tricks, but I am fond of you as a human being. You were very polite when I asked if I could pray for you, and you were very respectful and kind during the walk. I thank you for cooperating. And the next day, you were very friendly, and I appreciate that you listen to me carefully and supported me when I would talk in front. Your deeds, my friend are not under appreciated. I hope that the next time that we see each other, everything will be mended. I pray that all your dreams and hopes come true. I know that you are a good son, a good boyfriend, and a good brother. I pray that your faith is strengthened and that you are kept safe all throughout your pursuits.
There are some people in this world, who feel many things but cannot seem to utter the words to explain exactly how they feel. I am one of them. All throughout my life, I have felt many things towards many people and at one point, I was convinced it was love and at another I was convinced it was infatuation. Although now, I know that it's neither. You see, I like to believe that as I matured, so did my understanding of things and feelings. Although I'm still getting the hang of it, I somewhat know how to determine whether it's love, infatuation, or if I'm simply fond of a person. Although recently, I feel like my maturity has taken an awful turn for the worse. I tend to ask or want people but when I finally have them within my grasps, I realise that they're not for me. It's like when you're shopping, you take a shirt from the rack in hopes that it'll suite you, although when you try it on you eventually realise that it just isn't for you. I am like that with most boys I encounter. I know it sounds like I'm full of myself but I apologise although, I am not at fault for whatever aspect of myself they find interest in. Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
To the people who I thought I loved.
Love is such a strong word, and I'm sorry that you thought I loved you, and I apologise if I said or did anything that made you believe I loved you like that. I want you to know that I don't mean to write this to hurt you, instead I want to clarify with you. I want to start of with saying that my heart is filled with love and I want to be able to give it to everyone. I'm sorry if I made it seem like I could contain my love for only one person (you). I take full responsibility of my actions, and I'm sorry. But please know, that I want both of you to succeed and I think that you are such a good person. I know that someday, you'll find someone who appreciates everything that you do. I'm sorry that I couldn't be that person for you right now. But keep looking, and I assure you that you'll find her someday. I wish you joy and happiness, but most of all I wish you the best.
There are many people in my life that I have grown fond of and each and everyone of them has a special place in my heart, and they're so special that I can't even write a general letter for them. So I'll just focus on one as of now.
To you,
Hi. I know that God sent me to be your prayer partner that night, and I know that God also planned for me to be your spiritual guide. I want to apologise because I acted so immaturely and I was probably not in the position to say the things that I did. Whether it was true or not, I know that you're trying to change and I can see that. I know that we're not even close enough to talk about your actions and I'm sorry if I overstepped. With whatever you're doing, I know that God is proud of you and I know that you know what you're doing. Please know that I really am genuinely sorry for the way I acted. I wanted to apologise before you left, but it seemed as if something was bothering you so I didn't want to add to anything, and also I didn't have the guts to. I don't want to burn bridges with anyone, that's why I'm saying sorry. I'm saddened that all of this had to happen towards the end because I was, and still am quite fond of you. Don't get me wrong, I have no feelings for you whatsoever, you still can't fool me with your tricks, but I am fond of you as a human being. You were very polite when I asked if I could pray for you, and you were very respectful and kind during the walk. I thank you for cooperating. And the next day, you were very friendly, and I appreciate that you listen to me carefully and supported me when I would talk in front. Your deeds, my friend are not under appreciated. I hope that the next time that we see each other, everything will be mended. I pray that all your dreams and hopes come true. I know that you are a good son, a good boyfriend, and a good brother. I pray that your faith is strengthened and that you are kept safe all throughout your pursuits.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
I guess
Dear friend,
While I was casually scrolling through twitter, I stumbled upon a picture that said "She wanted to tell him that she missed him, but she knew that it wouldn't change a thing so she just kept pretending she didn't" and I know this sounds highly unlikely but I wow, it's like whoever wrote that somehow knew what I was feeling and what I was thinking, wrote it, and shared it to the world so I could see my thoughts again.
I know I sound crazy but that's how I genuinely feel. I don't even know how I miss him. I know that's weird heck it doesn't even seem grammatically correct but I don't know if I miss him as my friend, or as my small group buddy or just someone to talk to. All I know is that I miss him, but to be completely honest, I don't know how I would react when I finally get to see him. I know I'm going to be nervous and frustrated and I'm probably gonna become as red as a tomato but who knows? maybe not. Wow now that it's coming so fast, I'm becoming even more anxious by the minute.
xx
K
While I was casually scrolling through twitter, I stumbled upon a picture that said "She wanted to tell him that she missed him, but she knew that it wouldn't change a thing so she just kept pretending she didn't" and I know this sounds highly unlikely but I wow, it's like whoever wrote that somehow knew what I was feeling and what I was thinking, wrote it, and shared it to the world so I could see my thoughts again.
I know I sound crazy but that's how I genuinely feel. I don't even know how I miss him. I know that's weird heck it doesn't even seem grammatically correct but I don't know if I miss him as my friend, or as my small group buddy or just someone to talk to. All I know is that I miss him, but to be completely honest, I don't know how I would react when I finally get to see him. I know I'm going to be nervous and frustrated and I'm probably gonna become as red as a tomato but who knows? maybe not. Wow now that it's coming so fast, I'm becoming even more anxious by the minute.
xx
K
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
So called
Dear friend,
I hate how no matter how much I miss a person, there's nothing I can do because of the so called "socially acceptable rules of boy-girl relationships." Why can't a girl just message a guy first without the assumption that she likes him, or that she's a *snake*?
(snake - a person who is trying to pursue someone who is already in a relationship)
I hate how I genuinely just miss you as a person, but there's nothing I can do about it because feelings always get in the way of things. I genuinely miss talking to you about the most random things I could think of. I miss how we would talk about faith and God and our struggles with the world. I miss having someone who understood how busy and how involved I was in church, because you did the same things. I miss having someone who thought of me so highly that it gave him butterflies every time he would ask other people about me. I miss how you messaged me in the morning before going to school. I miss how you always seemed to be worried about who I was with or where I was or what I was doing. I miss knowing that all your tweets were about me, and not somebody else.
I know it may seem like I want you back, and maybe a little part of me still does. Although for now, I just miss you. I just want to talk to you. I just want to forget about the feelings and all the technicalities and just talk to you, because damn it, I miss you so much it's making me go bonkers. And don't get me wrong, I don't just miss the idea of you, I miss you. I miss your weird brace face that somehow makes you look more attractive. I miss your weird low maintenance looking hair. I miss how you messaged me in every possible social media possible just because I threw a small tantrum because you teased me a little. I miss how you got so baffled when I tried to be sassy. I just miss everything about you. I just really wish I could turn back time and go back for you.
I wish I could tell past Kim how much she'd miss you and how much she'd regret everything.
I just really miss you, and I wish that there was something I could do about it, but alas there's nothing I can do but hope that God puts you in my small group, or puts you in my path somehow.
xx
K
I hate how no matter how much I miss a person, there's nothing I can do because of the so called "socially acceptable rules of boy-girl relationships." Why can't a girl just message a guy first without the assumption that she likes him, or that she's a *snake*?
(snake - a person who is trying to pursue someone who is already in a relationship)
I hate how I genuinely just miss you as a person, but there's nothing I can do about it because feelings always get in the way of things. I genuinely miss talking to you about the most random things I could think of. I miss how we would talk about faith and God and our struggles with the world. I miss having someone who understood how busy and how involved I was in church, because you did the same things. I miss having someone who thought of me so highly that it gave him butterflies every time he would ask other people about me. I miss how you messaged me in the morning before going to school. I miss how you always seemed to be worried about who I was with or where I was or what I was doing. I miss knowing that all your tweets were about me, and not somebody else.
I know it may seem like I want you back, and maybe a little part of me still does. Although for now, I just miss you. I just want to talk to you. I just want to forget about the feelings and all the technicalities and just talk to you, because damn it, I miss you so much it's making me go bonkers. And don't get me wrong, I don't just miss the idea of you, I miss you. I miss your weird brace face that somehow makes you look more attractive. I miss your weird low maintenance looking hair. I miss how you messaged me in every possible social media possible just because I threw a small tantrum because you teased me a little. I miss how you got so baffled when I tried to be sassy. I just miss everything about you. I just really wish I could turn back time and go back for you.
I wish I could tell past Kim how much she'd miss you and how much she'd regret everything.
I just really miss you, and I wish that there was something I could do about it, but alas there's nothing I can do but hope that God puts you in my small group, or puts you in my path somehow.
xx
K
Monday, May 9, 2016
Give it time
Dear friend,
It's funny how time changes our feelings towards someone. If you told 2011 Kim that she would be as close to A as she is now, then she wouldn't believe it. Well that's how time works. Time is the best way to figure things out. I'm happy with the way we are now. When I'm around him, I'm not nervous because I feel safe and I know that whatever happens, he'll be there for me and I'll be there for him.
I thought working with him would make things complicated given my past feelings for him, but it didn't. If anything, working together brought us closer to each other. I'm grateful to have someone like him in my life, I truly am. I know that when it comes to work and many other aspects of my life, I can trust in him.
xx
Kim
It's funny how time changes our feelings towards someone. If you told 2011 Kim that she would be as close to A as she is now, then she wouldn't believe it. Well that's how time works. Time is the best way to figure things out. I'm happy with the way we are now. When I'm around him, I'm not nervous because I feel safe and I know that whatever happens, he'll be there for me and I'll be there for him.
I thought working with him would make things complicated given my past feelings for him, but it didn't. If anything, working together brought us closer to each other. I'm grateful to have someone like him in my life, I truly am. I know that when it comes to work and many other aspects of my life, I can trust in him.
xx
Kim
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Any less
Dear friend,
There are so many people in life that I no longer talk to as often as before; but for me, that doesn't mean that I love them any less than I did before. There are so many people in my life that I miss, but no longer talk to but that's okay because I still love them nonetheless.
If I made a list of the people I miss, it would take quite sometime. For now, I want to tell you about camp guy. Do you remember camp guy? he was and always will be my "almost is never enough." It took me a while to get over the idea of him, and even I was surprised with myself. I guess it was just hard for me to move on and accept that he was no longer going to be a big part of my life because there were so many things going on at around the same time and it was all just very overwhelming for me, but hey the past is the past.
Even though we don't talk anymore, I still am genuinely happy for everything that he's accomplished. I am happy that he found someone who loves him with all her heart, and makes him smile and doesn't make him nervous, like I did. I'm happy that he's pursuing all the things he've been dreaming about, and that he's building a good future for himself because the truth is, I will never stop cheering and supporting the people I love, even when we no longer talk.
xx
Kim
There are so many people in life that I no longer talk to as often as before; but for me, that doesn't mean that I love them any less than I did before. There are so many people in my life that I miss, but no longer talk to but that's okay because I still love them nonetheless.
If I made a list of the people I miss, it would take quite sometime. For now, I want to tell you about camp guy. Do you remember camp guy? he was and always will be my "almost is never enough." It took me a while to get over the idea of him, and even I was surprised with myself. I guess it was just hard for me to move on and accept that he was no longer going to be a big part of my life because there were so many things going on at around the same time and it was all just very overwhelming for me, but hey the past is the past.
Even though we don't talk anymore, I still am genuinely happy for everything that he's accomplished. I am happy that he found someone who loves him with all her heart, and makes him smile and doesn't make him nervous, like I did. I'm happy that he's pursuing all the things he've been dreaming about, and that he's building a good future for himself because the truth is, I will never stop cheering and supporting the people I love, even when we no longer talk.
xx
Kim
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Snob
Dear friend,
First things first, when a girl is on her period you do not ever mess with her. I repeat, never I can't emphasise that enough. There are times that I just want to hide in my room because I honestly feel like if I step out I would probably end up cutting someone's head off or gravely offending them.
I honestly feel like I want to cut my stomach open and just ugh. Have I mentioned that I feel like a fat bloated whale every fucking time I eat? I mean it's like any second now Moby dick is gonna appear in the corner and just hunt me down. To be completely honest, that doesn't sound too bad right now. And have I mentioned that my digestion is horrible? I hate this. And have I mentioned I'm always thirsty? which is horrible because that would mean more horrible disgusting trips to the bathroom.
And lastly, the attitude. I honestly don't mean to be a complete bitch, it just happens naturally. It's like, my brain is naturally wired to be a bitch when I'm on my period. It's like a become this complete snob who doesn't care about anyone, and I admit that. Most of the time, I just wish that things didn't have to be this way. I h a t e hormones.
xx
First things first, when a girl is on her period you do not ever mess with her. I repeat, never I can't emphasise that enough. There are times that I just want to hide in my room because I honestly feel like if I step out I would probably end up cutting someone's head off or gravely offending them.
I honestly feel like I want to cut my stomach open and just ugh. Have I mentioned that I feel like a fat bloated whale every fucking time I eat? I mean it's like any second now Moby dick is gonna appear in the corner and just hunt me down. To be completely honest, that doesn't sound too bad right now. And have I mentioned that my digestion is horrible? I hate this. And have I mentioned I'm always thirsty? which is horrible because that would mean more horrible disgusting trips to the bathroom.
And lastly, the attitude. I honestly don't mean to be a complete bitch, it just happens naturally. It's like, my brain is naturally wired to be a bitch when I'm on my period. It's like a become this complete snob who doesn't care about anyone, and I admit that. Most of the time, I just wish that things didn't have to be this way. I h a t e hormones.
xx
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
It is what it is
Hey there,
Honestly, talking to you made me see things so much clearer. Although as relieved as I am, I'm also hurt. I'm hurt because you let go too soon. I don't blame you though, I did too. I'm sorry I didn't follow up with you the next day, I take full responsibility for that. I must admit I was focused on other things and other people that I didn't even think about messaging you and I am filed with regret knowing that I could've done something, and yet I didn't.
In one of my camps, I think it was the camp of 2013 if I'm not mistaken, my small group leader told my group-mates and I that"The best kind of love, is the love you find here." During that time of course I didn't acknowledge it as much, although I fully believed in it. Those were the days when everyone around me had found love. My brother was with his girlfriend of 3 years, nothing stopped him from getting to her. She lived quite far from us and yet my brother always managed to surprise her and spend time with her. In all honesty, I liked her for my brother very much. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always wanted to find that kind of love in camp, and I still do.
The following years, I became quite busy with my committee and don't get me wrong I do not regret it at all. Although since I became quite busy, I didn't have enough time to focus on anyone new other than those who wanted to know me or already knew me. This year, I thought everything was going to be normal and then you came along. The first day of camp, we had a meeting and I thought you were cute but I was busy so I didn't think it was a big deal or anything until I found out that you liked me. I would get so excited to talk about you and to go to meetings because it gave me a chance to spend time with you but alas I failed.
Don't get me wrong, I liked you but it's not that simple. You see, I'm not the type of girl who particularly "likes" people. Whenever someone like you shows up in my life, I only give half of my heart because if it doesn't work out, then I wouldn't get hurt. I move on very quickly. Although I hope a lot. When someone comes along, I always hope that maybe it would turn out differently, but I guess it didn't and I'm fine.
Lastly, it hurts to know that you moved on so quickly but I guess that's all it's ever going to be, a temporary feeling. There are so many things I still want to know like what happened to us, or how it happened, or what would've happened if we never stopped talking? would we have worked out? I don't know.
Despite everything, I am so happy that we're so mature about the situation and that we both know that we're here for each other but not in that way. In all honesty, that is the cleanest type of closure that I've ever had with anybody...ever. I guess that's it for now I mean in the end, it is what it is right?
See ya around, bud.
xx
K
Honestly, talking to you made me see things so much clearer. Although as relieved as I am, I'm also hurt. I'm hurt because you let go too soon. I don't blame you though, I did too. I'm sorry I didn't follow up with you the next day, I take full responsibility for that. I must admit I was focused on other things and other people that I didn't even think about messaging you and I am filed with regret knowing that I could've done something, and yet I didn't.
In one of my camps, I think it was the camp of 2013 if I'm not mistaken, my small group leader told my group-mates and I that"The best kind of love, is the love you find here." During that time of course I didn't acknowledge it as much, although I fully believed in it. Those were the days when everyone around me had found love. My brother was with his girlfriend of 3 years, nothing stopped him from getting to her. She lived quite far from us and yet my brother always managed to surprise her and spend time with her. In all honesty, I liked her for my brother very much. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always wanted to find that kind of love in camp, and I still do.
The following years, I became quite busy with my committee and don't get me wrong I do not regret it at all. Although since I became quite busy, I didn't have enough time to focus on anyone new other than those who wanted to know me or already knew me. This year, I thought everything was going to be normal and then you came along. The first day of camp, we had a meeting and I thought you were cute but I was busy so I didn't think it was a big deal or anything until I found out that you liked me. I would get so excited to talk about you and to go to meetings because it gave me a chance to spend time with you but alas I failed.
Don't get me wrong, I liked you but it's not that simple. You see, I'm not the type of girl who particularly "likes" people. Whenever someone like you shows up in my life, I only give half of my heart because if it doesn't work out, then I wouldn't get hurt. I move on very quickly. Although I hope a lot. When someone comes along, I always hope that maybe it would turn out differently, but I guess it didn't and I'm fine.
Lastly, it hurts to know that you moved on so quickly but I guess that's all it's ever going to be, a temporary feeling. There are so many things I still want to know like what happened to us, or how it happened, or what would've happened if we never stopped talking? would we have worked out? I don't know.
Despite everything, I am so happy that we're so mature about the situation and that we both know that we're here for each other but not in that way. In all honesty, that is the cleanest type of closure that I've ever had with anybody...ever. I guess that's it for now I mean in the end, it is what it is right?
See ya around, bud.
xx
K
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
All the things I wish I could say to you but I don't know how
Hi, I know you're probably tired of me writing long messages just as much as I'm tired of writing them, but there are just some things I need to say. First of, I want to say sorry for breaking your heart. Not once, but little by little everyday. I know it may not seem like I know that but I do and I hate how I did that to you.
I know that how much you love me, I really do and I appreciate that but you need to stop trying to find yourself in others. I know you say that you need to escape with everything that's going on right now but trust me when I say you're not doing it properly. Life's hurt you pretty bad and that's okay because everyone is hurting and you need to give yourself time to heal. Stop trying to find others to fix you and fix yourself. You do not need anyone besides yourself right now.
I also want to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with my messy mind right now especially with everything that's going on with your life, but please understand that I've never done the whole relationship thing and that just isn't my priority right now. I want to live my life and try to focus on becoming a better person. I know you don't want to hear this but it just isn't you. I always pray that God gives me someone who I can rely on and someone who I can call at 3 am just because I can't sleep and I'm sorry but that's just not you.
lastly, I just want to share with you a word of advice. Personally, I don't show or reveal too much of myself to a person so that I don't get hurt and I move on very fast because I have come to accept that some people stay and some people don't and honestly that's okay because eventually God will put whoever should be in your life to well, stay. I love you as my friend I really do, there will always be a space in my heart for you if you need me and I hope that someday, you find the love you keep trying to give to everyone else.
I know that how much you love me, I really do and I appreciate that but you need to stop trying to find yourself in others. I know you say that you need to escape with everything that's going on right now but trust me when I say you're not doing it properly. Life's hurt you pretty bad and that's okay because everyone is hurting and you need to give yourself time to heal. Stop trying to find others to fix you and fix yourself. You do not need anyone besides yourself right now.
I also want to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with my messy mind right now especially with everything that's going on with your life, but please understand that I've never done the whole relationship thing and that just isn't my priority right now. I want to live my life and try to focus on becoming a better person. I know you don't want to hear this but it just isn't you. I always pray that God gives me someone who I can rely on and someone who I can call at 3 am just because I can't sleep and I'm sorry but that's just not you.
lastly, I just want to share with you a word of advice. Personally, I don't show or reveal too much of myself to a person so that I don't get hurt and I move on very fast because I have come to accept that some people stay and some people don't and honestly that's okay because eventually God will put whoever should be in your life to well, stay. I love you as my friend I really do, there will always be a space in my heart for you if you need me and I hope that someday, you find the love you keep trying to give to everyone else.
Monday, March 7, 2016
He makes me feel
Dear friend,
I haven't caught up with you in a while, but there's a guy I used to make mess with. Not in the sexual kind of way of course, that's not something I would do. I used to tell him I loved him just for the fun of it. I found him cute but I never really thought about liking him for real. I honestly though nothing would ever happen but something did. He messaged me one day and I got so shocked because I never expected it from him but I guess the best things in life come unexpectedly.
He loves me a lot, and I know that. It hurts me knowing that I don't love him back but I can't force it because it would hurt him even more. We still talk and I like that because I want to keep him in my life but to be honestly I don't really know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special at times because out of all the people he could love that much, he picked me. Sometimes, he makes me feel horrible because I don't love him the way he loves me.
I honestly don't know what I feel towards him because he makes me feel so GAH and I don't even know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I haven't caught up with you in a while, but there's a guy I used to make mess with. Not in the sexual kind of way of course, that's not something I would do. I used to tell him I loved him just for the fun of it. I found him cute but I never really thought about liking him for real. I honestly though nothing would ever happen but something did. He messaged me one day and I got so shocked because I never expected it from him but I guess the best things in life come unexpectedly.
He loves me a lot, and I know that. It hurts me knowing that I don't love him back but I can't force it because it would hurt him even more. We still talk and I like that because I want to keep him in my life but to be honestly I don't really know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special at times because out of all the people he could love that much, he picked me. Sometimes, he makes me feel horrible because I don't love him the way he loves me.
I honestly don't know what I feel towards him because he makes me feel so GAH and I don't even know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Timing
Dear friend,
There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now. I'm so filled with the "what ifs" and the yearning to know the outcome of what could've happened. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for everything working out the way they did but I can't help wonder about all the things that would've happened and all the feelings that I would've felt.
What would've happened if I didn't say that I didn't want to dance? what if I had danced with him what would I have felt? what would he have felt? what would we be going through our minds right now?
And what if I stayed longer at that party with him? what would we have done? what would've been the outcome? would I be filled with regret right now?
And what if he never liked me the way he does now? what would be happening right now.
My mind is so filled with what ifs. I am not saying that I want things to change but sometimes I just can't help but wonder. Is it all part of God's perfect timing? I hope so because if it was up to me, then things wouldn't turn out well because I such at timing
xx
Kim
There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now. I'm so filled with the "what ifs" and the yearning to know the outcome of what could've happened. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for everything working out the way they did but I can't help wonder about all the things that would've happened and all the feelings that I would've felt.
What would've happened if I didn't say that I didn't want to dance? what if I had danced with him what would I have felt? what would he have felt? what would we be going through our minds right now?
And what if I stayed longer at that party with him? what would we have done? what would've been the outcome? would I be filled with regret right now?
And what if he never liked me the way he does now? what would be happening right now.
My mind is so filled with what ifs. I am not saying that I want things to change but sometimes I just can't help but wonder. Is it all part of God's perfect timing? I hope so because if it was up to me, then things wouldn't turn out well because I such at timing
xx
Kim
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Some things
Here are some things I wish I could say to you.
Hi, I don't know if you're ever gonna read this either now or in the future but I'm really so mad at you. I know I'm probably not in the position to be this annoyed and I know that it's something that shouldn't affect me but it did. Today you teased me about J and that really made me angry, I told you about it because I thought that you would defend me but you didn't. You even said that he was the only reason you talked to me in the first place and I don't know why but I was so annoyed by your answers. You asked me what was wrong and that made me even angrier because you didn't know the reason why.
Despite that, I want to explain to you everything and I just want you to know I that you make me feel so many things. I know that sounds weird but please let me explain.
In camp, you made me feel nervous every time I would see you or even hear your name, I could feel my heart pound faster but I never really knew why. Don't get me wrong I wasn't nervous because I thought you liked me I was nervous because I thought I liked you and everything kind of just exploded when I found out.
I know everything I'm saying just makes you more anxious and curios, but if you find yourself asking more questions, please just keep reading because I will explain everything.
The first time we had a meeting, I really thought that you were cute but as usual I had so many things going on inside my head that I decided to just ignore it because I was consumed by my work. Alas came the next days. Every time that we would have meetings, I don't know if you noticed but I would always sneak glimpses of you when I could; Why? honestly, even I don't know the answer to that question. Every time we had a group thing, I would always look for you first and honestly I just made the chat because I wanted you to talk to me.
Everyday I would always ask Jay about you and tell her everything that was going on because deep inside I knew that I felt something for you but I didn't know why or what it was. I was so happy to hear about all the things you were saying about me to your church-mates but I didn't like the way you were acting when you were actually there with me. You called me names and you would always roll your eyes when I would talk to you and you even left at one point. I know you explained to me that you were shy but of course I was hurt and it made me not want to talk to you because I was afraid of what you were going to say something mean or insensitive to hurt me.
I know I sound like a child, but please bear with me because this is what I feel and I want you to know.
I need to say that honestly, I got so shocked when I everyone started teasing you because I honestly thought that you hated me. Every time Jay would tell me about you a part of me didn't believe her because you were so neglecting towards me. I was so shy to look at you or to even talk to you because I didn't know what you were gonna say.
After camp, I know that you said you missed me but you never really told me. At one point, I even asked for my picture with EP so that she would send me ours as well, and she when she did it made me really happy. I waited for you to do something and when you did I was so overjoyed. I talked to everyone about you and how I thought you were so ideal because 1) you're cute 2) you're holy and so much more.
I really waited for you to message me, but you never did so I did. I like talking to you but I really wish that you confided in me more. I really wish that you talked to me about anything and everything I want you to talk to me. I want to know your outlook in life, I want to know what you did and what you're doing. I want to be the first person you message in the morning and the last when you sleep. I want to have late night conversations with you. If I could talk to you everyday, I would because I really want to. I don't know what you're doing or what you feel but I really wish that you would tell me because what I would tell you is that I like you but then give me time. I'm the kind of girl who never gives all of herself fully. I've never liked anyone the way I think I like you.
I really need to get to know you and get to talk to you before I can say that I like you but I care, I care so much that it's consuming me. And I want to get to know you, isn't that enough?
Please know that when you say sweet things to me, I really like it it's just sometimes, I don't really know how to respond because I don't accept them myself. I don't see what you see in me or anyone really. I hope that someday you'd tell me how you feel because I'm very impatient and at some point I'm going to give up on you because I move on so fast, but I really don't want to but you have to give me something to hang on to. I really hope that you understand, because I just poured my heart out.
xx
Kim
Hi, I don't know if you're ever gonna read this either now or in the future but I'm really so mad at you. I know I'm probably not in the position to be this annoyed and I know that it's something that shouldn't affect me but it did. Today you teased me about J and that really made me angry, I told you about it because I thought that you would defend me but you didn't. You even said that he was the only reason you talked to me in the first place and I don't know why but I was so annoyed by your answers. You asked me what was wrong and that made me even angrier because you didn't know the reason why.
Despite that, I want to explain to you everything and I just want you to know I that you make me feel so many things. I know that sounds weird but please let me explain.
In camp, you made me feel nervous every time I would see you or even hear your name, I could feel my heart pound faster but I never really knew why. Don't get me wrong I wasn't nervous because I thought you liked me I was nervous because I thought I liked you and everything kind of just exploded when I found out.
I know everything I'm saying just makes you more anxious and curios, but if you find yourself asking more questions, please just keep reading because I will explain everything.
The first time we had a meeting, I really thought that you were cute but as usual I had so many things going on inside my head that I decided to just ignore it because I was consumed by my work. Alas came the next days. Every time that we would have meetings, I don't know if you noticed but I would always sneak glimpses of you when I could; Why? honestly, even I don't know the answer to that question. Every time we had a group thing, I would always look for you first and honestly I just made the chat because I wanted you to talk to me.
Everyday I would always ask Jay about you and tell her everything that was going on because deep inside I knew that I felt something for you but I didn't know why or what it was. I was so happy to hear about all the things you were saying about me to your church-mates but I didn't like the way you were acting when you were actually there with me. You called me names and you would always roll your eyes when I would talk to you and you even left at one point. I know you explained to me that you were shy but of course I was hurt and it made me not want to talk to you because I was afraid of what you were going to say something mean or insensitive to hurt me.
I know I sound like a child, but please bear with me because this is what I feel and I want you to know.
I need to say that honestly, I got so shocked when I everyone started teasing you because I honestly thought that you hated me. Every time Jay would tell me about you a part of me didn't believe her because you were so neglecting towards me. I was so shy to look at you or to even talk to you because I didn't know what you were gonna say.
After camp, I know that you said you missed me but you never really told me. At one point, I even asked for my picture with EP so that she would send me ours as well, and she when she did it made me really happy. I waited for you to do something and when you did I was so overjoyed. I talked to everyone about you and how I thought you were so ideal because 1) you're cute 2) you're holy and so much more.
I really waited for you to message me, but you never did so I did. I like talking to you but I really wish that you confided in me more. I really wish that you talked to me about anything and everything I want you to talk to me. I want to know your outlook in life, I want to know what you did and what you're doing. I want to be the first person you message in the morning and the last when you sleep. I want to have late night conversations with you. If I could talk to you everyday, I would because I really want to. I don't know what you're doing or what you feel but I really wish that you would tell me because what I would tell you is that I like you but then give me time. I'm the kind of girl who never gives all of herself fully. I've never liked anyone the way I think I like you.
I really need to get to know you and get to talk to you before I can say that I like you but I care, I care so much that it's consuming me. And I want to get to know you, isn't that enough?
Please know that when you say sweet things to me, I really like it it's just sometimes, I don't really know how to respond because I don't accept them myself. I don't see what you see in me or anyone really. I hope that someday you'd tell me how you feel because I'm very impatient and at some point I'm going to give up on you because I move on so fast, but I really don't want to but you have to give me something to hang on to. I really hope that you understand, because I just poured my heart out.
xx
Kim
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Unsure
Dear Friend,
There are so many things in my head that I can't utter into words but as usual I am going to try. Yesterday I was really happy that I got to talk to D because until last night I really though that he was the one that God sent for me. Unfortunately I think that I've been mistaken.
Don't get me wrong he's a really good guy and he's got really good qualities but it really made me think that maybe we would be better as friends. I know it sounds like I'm changing my mind so fast, that's because I am. I don't really know what goes on in my head because I feel like I don't like him that way anymore but then here I am waiting for him to message me.
I feel like he needs more time to be with God and to focus on him instead of me but then another part of me thinks that I can help him with that and vice versa but honestly I don't know. I am so unsure about so many things in my life right now.
I know that God is going to help me get through everything. I am confident that he is going to lift me up from my problems, my school works and everything else in between but I really pray for a sign. I need to know why I'm feeling like this. I am so unsure about my feelings and I don't know what to do.
There are so many things in my head that I can't utter into words but as usual I am going to try. Yesterday I was really happy that I got to talk to D because until last night I really though that he was the one that God sent for me. Unfortunately I think that I've been mistaken.
Don't get me wrong he's a really good guy and he's got really good qualities but it really made me think that maybe we would be better as friends. I know it sounds like I'm changing my mind so fast, that's because I am. I don't really know what goes on in my head because I feel like I don't like him that way anymore but then here I am waiting for him to message me.
I feel like he needs more time to be with God and to focus on him instead of me but then another part of me thinks that I can help him with that and vice versa but honestly I don't know. I am so unsure about so many things in my life right now.
I know that God is going to help me get through everything. I am confident that he is going to lift me up from my problems, my school works and everything else in between but I really pray for a sign. I need to know why I'm feeling like this. I am so unsure about my feelings and I don't know what to do.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Reachin' out
Dear friend,
Well it's 2016! this year I'm really trying to get myself together because I need to be prepared and ready for the future. This year is going to be a big year and I know it. I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to get through this year with good memories and accomplishments.
Towards the end of last year (literally) God put D in my life. Until now I still don't know whether he's here to stay or if he's just my pass time. I don't mean pass time by just playing with his feelings or anything. As you know by now I'm not the type of girl who waits for anyone ; I will assess whether his presence in my life is necessary. If yes then I will do everything I can to keep him but if not I will not second guess my decision to just let him be and move on with my life. I know you probably think that I'm so negative when it comes to love but I just want to be practical. I really am a romantic and sweet and I would do anything and everything for the people that I love but I know what's good for me and what (who) isn't.
Honestly, this is probably the closest thing to a relationship that I've ever had. I know that God is making me wait for the right person in my life and until now I still don't know if it's D. I don't know if I should pursue him or not. I know that he's a new person in my life but I can feel his genuine love for me.
I know that he likes me but what I can't just ignore the fact that I'm too much for him. Not because I think that I'm better than him ; I don't think that at all. He always exaggerates that well I'm me. I know this may sound like a douche thing to say but in camp everyone thinks highly of me because of my background and I'm flattered that they know that I have high standards but it's to the point that they think that I'm not approachable. I really try to show him that I like him back but he really thinks highly of me that I can't even act properly because he makes it awkward.
I really do think that he would be good for me and every time that someone would ask me if I liked him I would say no but that's only because I have no idea what the heck is going on. I care about him a lot and I am so interested in getting to know him. I want to know everything that's going on in his head at night, I want to know all his secrets because I'm interested.
I have to admit that when I'm interested in someone I only do it half-heartedly because I need to look out for my feelings I can't just give me as a whole. I give myself part by part and that's what he doesn't know. I am so interested in him but he has to know I can't just be everything to someone that quick. I really pray that he messages me this week because I'm so tired of always being the first one to reach out to him. He has to know that I am here. And I am waiting.
Well it's 2016! this year I'm really trying to get myself together because I need to be prepared and ready for the future. This year is going to be a big year and I know it. I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to get through this year with good memories and accomplishments.
Towards the end of last year (literally) God put D in my life. Until now I still don't know whether he's here to stay or if he's just my pass time. I don't mean pass time by just playing with his feelings or anything. As you know by now I'm not the type of girl who waits for anyone ; I will assess whether his presence in my life is necessary. If yes then I will do everything I can to keep him but if not I will not second guess my decision to just let him be and move on with my life. I know you probably think that I'm so negative when it comes to love but I just want to be practical. I really am a romantic and sweet and I would do anything and everything for the people that I love but I know what's good for me and what (who) isn't.
Honestly, this is probably the closest thing to a relationship that I've ever had. I know that God is making me wait for the right person in my life and until now I still don't know if it's D. I don't know if I should pursue him or not. I know that he's a new person in my life but I can feel his genuine love for me.
I know that he likes me but what I can't just ignore the fact that I'm too much for him. Not because I think that I'm better than him ; I don't think that at all. He always exaggerates that well I'm me. I know this may sound like a douche thing to say but in camp everyone thinks highly of me because of my background and I'm flattered that they know that I have high standards but it's to the point that they think that I'm not approachable. I really try to show him that I like him back but he really thinks highly of me that I can't even act properly because he makes it awkward.
I really do think that he would be good for me and every time that someone would ask me if I liked him I would say no but that's only because I have no idea what the heck is going on. I care about him a lot and I am so interested in getting to know him. I want to know everything that's going on in his head at night, I want to know all his secrets because I'm interested.
I have to admit that when I'm interested in someone I only do it half-heartedly because I need to look out for my feelings I can't just give me as a whole. I give myself part by part and that's what he doesn't know. I am so interested in him but he has to know I can't just be everything to someone that quick. I really pray that he messages me this week because I'm so tired of always being the first one to reach out to him. He has to know that I am here. And I am waiting.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Pass it on, please
Dear friend,
It's been exactly a day since I've talk to him but it feels like forever. I really liked talking to him. He was so corny and cheesy but I loved it and the entire day I've done nothing but wait for him to message me (literally, I've been in my pajamas the entire day) I woke up at 4 am hoping to get a message from him and yet still nothing. I feel like I've been waiting so long that I already have a list on reasons why he hasn't messaged me for examples: He's still shy; He's still finding a conversation starter; He doesn't to want to bother me because it's new year and he thinks I'm bonding with my family and the list goes on. I know he loves me because I hear it form other people and I believe them because I notice the way he looks at me and for a short period of time, the way he talks to me. I love the way he uses the word beautiful instead of pretty because beautiful describes your inside and outside features and it makes me feel nice. This time, I want him to talk to me not to lead him on (like B) because this time it's different, because this time I'm ready. At least I think I'm ready, I can't really be sure but I know for a fact that I'm ready to try, so Dear God, please give him the courage to message me because you know that I move on so fast. I will do my best to wait for him but Lord if it's meant to be, please give him the courage to message me NOW because I am waiting for him to just U G H. I'm sorry Lord, you know the rest.
xx
Kim
It's been exactly a day since I've talk to him but it feels like forever. I really liked talking to him. He was so corny and cheesy but I loved it and the entire day I've done nothing but wait for him to message me (literally, I've been in my pajamas the entire day) I woke up at 4 am hoping to get a message from him and yet still nothing. I feel like I've been waiting so long that I already have a list on reasons why he hasn't messaged me for examples: He's still shy; He's still finding a conversation starter; He doesn't to want to bother me because it's new year and he thinks I'm bonding with my family and the list goes on. I know he loves me because I hear it form other people and I believe them because I notice the way he looks at me and for a short period of time, the way he talks to me. I love the way he uses the word beautiful instead of pretty because beautiful describes your inside and outside features and it makes me feel nice. This time, I want him to talk to me not to lead him on (like B) because this time it's different, because this time I'm ready. At least I think I'm ready, I can't really be sure but I know for a fact that I'm ready to try, so Dear God, please give him the courage to message me because you know that I move on so fast. I will do my best to wait for him but Lord if it's meant to be, please give him the courage to message me NOW because I am waiting for him to just U G H. I'm sorry Lord, you know the rest.
xx
Kim
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