Some things

Here are some things I wish I could say to you.

Hi, I don't know if you're ever gonna read this either now or in the future but I'm really so mad at you. I know I'm probably not in the position to be this annoyed and I know that it's something that shouldn't affect me but it did. Today you teased me about J and that really made me angry, I told you about it because I thought that you would defend me but you didn't. You even said that he was the only reason you talked to me in the first place and I don't know why but I was so annoyed by your answers. You asked me what was wrong and that made me even angrier because you didn't know the reason why.

Despite that, I want to explain to you everything and I just want you to know I that you make me feel so many things. I know that sounds weird but please let me explain.

In camp, you made me feel nervous every time I would see you or even hear your name, I could feel my heart pound faster but I never really knew why. Don't get me wrong I wasn't nervous because I thought you liked me I was nervous because I thought I liked you and everything kind of just exploded when I found out.

I know everything I'm saying just makes you more anxious and curios, but if you find yourself asking more questions, please just keep reading because I will explain everything.

The first time we had a meeting, I really thought that you were cute but as usual I had so many things going on inside my head that I decided to just ignore it because I was consumed by my work. Alas came the next days. Every time that we would have meetings, I don't know if you noticed but I would always sneak glimpses of you when I could; Why? honestly, even I don't know the answer to that question. Every time we had a group thing, I would always look for you first and honestly I just made the chat because I wanted you to talk to me.

Everyday I would always ask Jay about you and tell her everything that was going on because deep inside I knew that I felt something for you but I didn't know why or what it was. I was so happy to hear about all the things you were saying about me to your church-mates but I didn't like the way you were acting when you were actually there with me. You called me names and you would always roll your eyes when I would talk to you and you even left at one point. I know you explained to me that you were shy but of course I was hurt and it made me not want to talk to you because I was afraid of what you were going to say something mean or insensitive to hurt me.

I know I sound like a child, but please bear with me because this is what I feel and I want you to know.

I need to say that honestly, I got so shocked when I everyone started teasing you because I honestly thought that you hated me. Every time Jay would tell me about you a part of me didn't believe her because you were so neglecting towards me. I was so shy to look at you or to even talk to you because I didn't know what you were gonna say.

After camp, I know that you said you missed me but you never really told me. At one point, I even asked for my picture with EP so that she would send me ours as well, and she when she did it made me really happy. I waited for you to do something and when you did I was so overjoyed. I talked to everyone about you and how I thought you were so ideal because 1) you're cute 2) you're holy and so much more.

I really waited for you to message me, but you never did so I did. I like talking to you but I really wish that you confided in me more. I really wish that you talked to me about anything and everything I want you to talk to me. I want to know your outlook in life, I want to know what you did and what you're doing. I want to be the first person you message in the morning and the last when you sleep. I want to have late night conversations with you. If I could talk to you everyday, I would because I really want to. I don't know what you're doing or what you feel but I really wish that you would tell me because what I would tell you is that I like you but then give me time. I'm the kind of girl who never gives all of herself fully. I've never liked anyone the way I think I like you.

I really need to get to know you and get to talk to you before I can say that I like you but I care, I care so much that it's consuming me. And I want to get to know you, isn't that enough?

Please know that when you say sweet things to me, I really like it it's just sometimes, I don't really know how to respond because I don't accept them myself. I don't see what you see in me or anyone really. I hope that someday you'd tell me how you feel because I'm very impatient and at some point I'm going to give up on you because I move on so fast, but I really don't want to but you have to give me something to hang on to. I really hope that you understand, because I just poured my heart out.

xx
Kim