Some things

Here are some things I wish I could say to you.

Hi, I don't know if you're ever gonna read this either now or in the future but I'm really so mad at you. I know I'm probably not in the position to be this annoyed and I know that it's something that shouldn't affect me but it did. Today you teased me about J and that really made me angry, I told you about it because I thought that you would defend me but you didn't. You even said that he was the only reason you talked to me in the first place and I don't know why but I was so annoyed by your answers. You asked me what was wrong and that made me even angrier because you didn't know the reason why.

Despite that, I want to explain to you everything and I just want you to know I that you make me feel so many things. I know that sounds weird but please let me explain.

In camp, you made me feel nervous every time I would see you or even hear your name, I could feel my heart pound faster but I never really knew why. Don't get me wrong I wasn't nervous because I thought you liked me I was nervous because I thought I liked you and everything kind of just exploded when I found out.

I know everything I'm saying just makes you more anxious and curios, but if you find yourself asking more questions, please just keep reading because I will explain everything.

The first time we had a meeting, I really thought that you were cute but as usual I had so many things going on inside my head that I decided to just ignore it because I was consumed by my work. Alas came the next days. Every time that we would have meetings, I don't know if you noticed but I would always sneak glimpses of you when I could; Why? honestly, even I don't know the answer to that question. Every time we had a group thing, I would always look for you first and honestly I just made the chat because I wanted you to talk to me.

Everyday I would always ask Jay about you and tell her everything that was going on because deep inside I knew that I felt something for you but I didn't know why or what it was. I was so happy to hear about all the things you were saying about me to your church-mates but I didn't like the way you were acting when you were actually there with me. You called me names and you would always roll your eyes when I would talk to you and you even left at one point. I know you explained to me that you were shy but of course I was hurt and it made me not want to talk to you because I was afraid of what you were going to say something mean or insensitive to hurt me.

I know I sound like a child, but please bear with me because this is what I feel and I want you to know.

I need to say that honestly, I got so shocked when I everyone started teasing you because I honestly thought that you hated me. Every time Jay would tell me about you a part of me didn't believe her because you were so neglecting towards me. I was so shy to look at you or to even talk to you because I didn't know what you were gonna say.

After camp, I know that you said you missed me but you never really told me. At one point, I even asked for my picture with EP so that she would send me ours as well, and she when she did it made me really happy. I waited for you to do something and when you did I was so overjoyed. I talked to everyone about you and how I thought you were so ideal because 1) you're cute 2) you're holy and so much more.

I really waited for you to message me, but you never did so I did. I like talking to you but I really wish that you confided in me more. I really wish that you talked to me about anything and everything I want you to talk to me. I want to know your outlook in life, I want to know what you did and what you're doing. I want to be the first person you message in the morning and the last when you sleep. I want to have late night conversations with you. If I could talk to you everyday, I would because I really want to. I don't know what you're doing or what you feel but I really wish that you would tell me because what I would tell you is that I like you but then give me time. I'm the kind of girl who never gives all of herself fully. I've never liked anyone the way I think I like you.

I really need to get to know you and get to talk to you before I can say that I like you but I care, I care so much that it's consuming me. And I want to get to know you, isn't that enough?

Please know that when you say sweet things to me, I really like it it's just sometimes, I don't really know how to respond because I don't accept them myself. I don't see what you see in me or anyone really. I hope that someday you'd tell me how you feel because I'm very impatient and at some point I'm going to give up on you because I move on so fast, but I really don't want to but you have to give me something to hang on to. I really hope that you understand, because I just poured my heart out.

xx
Kim

Unsure

Dear Friend,

There are so many things in my head that I can't utter into words but as usual I am going to try. Yesterday I was really happy that I got to talk to D because until last night I really though that he was the one that God sent for me. Unfortunately I think that I've been mistaken.

Don't get me wrong he's a really good guy and he's got really good qualities but it really made me think that maybe we would be better as friends. I know it sounds like I'm changing my mind so fast, that's because I am. I don't really know what goes on in my head because I feel like I don't like him that way anymore but then here I am waiting for him to message me.

I feel like he needs more time to be with God and to focus on him instead of me but then another part of me thinks that I can help him with that and vice versa but honestly I don't know. I am so unsure about so many things in my life right now.

I know that God is going to help me get through everything. I am confident that he is going to lift me up from my problems, my school works and everything else in between but I really pray for a sign. I need to know why I'm feeling like this. I am so unsure about my feelings and I don't know what to do.

Reachin' out

Dear friend,

Well it's 2016! this year I'm really trying to get myself together because I need to be prepared and ready for the future. This year is going to be a big year and I know it. I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to get through this year with good memories and accomplishments.

Towards the end of last year (literally) God put D in my life. Until now I still don't know whether he's here to stay or if he's just my pass time. I don't mean pass time by just playing with his feelings or anything. As you know by now I'm not the type of girl who waits for anyone ; I will assess whether his presence in my life is necessary. If yes then I will do everything I can to keep him but if not I will not second guess my decision to just let him be and move on with my life. I know you probably think that I'm so negative when it comes to love but I just want to be practical. I really am a romantic and sweet and I would do anything and everything for the people that I love but I know what's good for me and what (who) isn't.

Honestly, this is probably the closest thing to a relationship that I've ever had. I know that God is making me wait for the right person in my life and until now I still don't know if it's D. I don't know if I should pursue him or not. I know that he's a new person in my life but I can feel his genuine love for me.

I know that he likes me but what I can't just ignore the fact that I'm too much for him. Not because I think that I'm better than him ; I don't think that at all. He always exaggerates that well I'm me. I know this may sound like a douche thing to say but in camp everyone thinks highly of me because of my background and I'm flattered that they know that I have high standards but it's to the point that they think that I'm not approachable. I really try to show him that I like him back but he really thinks highly of me that I can't even act properly because he makes it awkward.

I really do think that he would be good for me and every time that someone would ask me if I liked him I would say no but that's only because I have no idea what the heck is going on. I care about him a lot and I am so interested in getting to know him. I want to know everything that's going on in his head at night, I want to know all his secrets because I'm interested.

I have to admit that when I'm interested in someone I only do it half-heartedly because I need to look out for my feelings I can't just give me as a whole. I give myself part by part and that's what he doesn't know. I am so interested in him but he has to know I can't just be everything to someone that quick. I really pray that he messages me this week because I'm so tired of always being the first one to reach out to him. He has to know that I am here. And I am waiting.

Pass it on, please

Dear friend,

It's been exactly a day since I've talk to him but it feels like forever. I really liked talking to him. He was so corny and cheesy but I loved it and the entire day I've done nothing but wait for him to message me (literally, I've been in my pajamas the entire day) I woke up at 4 am hoping to get a message from him and yet still nothing. I feel like I've been waiting so long that I already have a list on reasons why he hasn't messaged me for examples: He's still shy; He's still finding a conversation starter; He doesn't to want to bother me because it's new year and he thinks I'm bonding with my family and the list goes on. I know he loves me because I hear it form other people and I believe them because I notice the way he looks at me and for a short period of time, the way he talks to me. I love the way he uses the word beautiful instead of pretty because beautiful describes your inside and outside features and it makes me feel nice. This time, I want him to talk to me not to lead him on (like B) because this time it's different, because this time I'm ready. At least I think I'm ready, I can't really be sure but I know for a fact that I'm ready to try, so Dear God, please give him the courage to message me because you know that I move on so fast. I will do my best to wait for him but Lord if it's meant to be, please give him the courage to message me NOW because I am waiting for him to just U G H. I'm sorry Lord, you know the rest.

xx
Kim