A series of letters

Dear friend,

There are some people in this world, who feel many things but cannot seem to utter the words to explain exactly how they feel. I am one of them. All throughout my life, I have felt many things towards many people and at one point, I was convinced it was love and at another I was convinced it was infatuation. Although now, I know that it's neither. You see, I like to believe that as I matured, so did my understanding of things and feelings. Although I'm still getting the hang of it, I somewhat know how to determine whether it's love, infatuation, or if I'm simply fond of a person. Although recently, I feel like my maturity has taken an awful turn for the worse. I tend to ask or want people but when I finally have them within my grasps, I realise that they're not for me. It's like when you're shopping, you take a shirt from the rack in hopes that it'll suite you, although when you try it on you eventually realise that it just isn't for you. I am like that with most boys I encounter. I know it sounds like I'm full of myself but I apologise although, I am not at fault for whatever aspect of myself they find interest in. Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.


To the people who I thought I loved.

Love is such a strong word, and I'm sorry that you thought I loved you, and I apologise if I said or did anything that made you believe I loved you like that. I want you to know that I don't mean to write this to hurt you, instead I want to clarify with you. I want to start of with saying that my heart is filled with love and I want to be able to give it to everyone. I'm sorry if I made it seem like I could contain my love for only one person (you). I take full responsibility of my actions, and I'm sorry. But please know, that I want both of you to succeed and I think that you are such a good person. I know that someday, you'll find someone who appreciates everything that you do. I'm sorry that I couldn't be that person for you right now. But keep looking, and I assure you that you'll find her someday. I wish you joy and happiness, but most of all I wish you the best.


There are many people in my life that I have grown fond of and each and everyone of them has a special place in my heart, and they're so special that I can't even write a general letter for them. So I'll just focus on one as of now.

To you,

Hi. I know that God sent me to be your prayer partner that night, and I know that God also planned for me to be your spiritual guide. I want to apologise because I acted so immaturely and I was probably not in the position to say the things that I did. Whether it was true or not, I know that you're trying to change and I can see that. I know that we're not even close enough to talk about your actions and I'm sorry if I overstepped. With whatever you're doing, I know that God is proud of you and I know that you know what you're doing. Please know that I really am genuinely sorry for the way I acted. I wanted to apologise before you left, but it seemed as if something was bothering you so I didn't want to add to anything, and also I didn't have the guts to. I don't want to burn bridges with anyone, that's why I'm saying sorry. I'm saddened that all of this had to happen towards the end  because I was, and still am quite fond of you. Don't get me wrong, I have no feelings for you whatsoever, you still can't fool me with your tricks, but I am fond of you as a human being. You were very polite when I asked if I could pray for you, and you were very respectful and kind during the walk. I thank you for cooperating. And the next day, you were very friendly, and I appreciate that you listen to me carefully and supported me when I would talk in front. Your deeds, my friend are not under appreciated. I hope that the next time that we see each other, everything will be mended. I pray that all your dreams and hopes come true. I know that you are a good son, a good boyfriend, and a good brother. I pray that your faith is strengthened and that you are kept safe all throughout your pursuits.

I guess

Dear friend,

While I was casually scrolling through twitter, I stumbled upon a picture that said "She wanted to tell him that she missed him, but she knew that it wouldn't change a thing so she just kept pretending she didn't" and I know this sounds highly unlikely but I wow, it's like whoever wrote that somehow knew what I was feeling and what I was thinking, wrote it, and shared it to the world so I could see my thoughts again. 

I know I sound crazy but that's how I genuinely feel. I don't even know how I miss him. I know that's weird heck it doesn't even seem grammatically correct but I don't know if I miss him as my friend, or as my small group buddy or just someone to talk to. All I know is that I miss him, but to be completely honest, I don't know how I would react when I finally get to see him. I know I'm going to be nervous and frustrated and I'm probably gonna become as red as a tomato but who knows? maybe not. Wow now that it's coming so fast, I'm becoming even more anxious by the minute.

xx

K

So called

Dear friend,

I hate how no matter how much I miss a person, there's nothing I can do because of the so called "socially acceptable rules of boy-girl relationships." Why can't a girl just message a guy first without the assumption that she likes him, or that she's a *snake*?

(snake - a person who is trying to pursue someone who is already in a relationship)

I hate how I genuinely just miss you as a person, but there's nothing I can do about it because feelings always get in the way of things. I genuinely miss talking to you about the most random things I could think of. I miss how we would talk about faith and God and our struggles with the world. I miss having someone who understood how busy and how involved I was in church, because you did the same things. I miss having someone who thought of me so highly that it gave him butterflies every time he would ask other people about me. I miss how you messaged me in the morning before going to school. I miss how you always seemed to be worried about who I was with or where I was or what I was doing. I miss knowing that all your tweets were about me, and not somebody else.

I know it may seem like I want you back, and maybe a little part of me still does. Although for now, I just miss you. I just want to talk to you. I just want to forget about the feelings and all the technicalities and just talk to you, because damn it, I miss you so much it's making me go bonkers. And don't get me wrong, I don't just miss the idea of you, I miss you. I miss your weird brace face that somehow makes you look more attractive. I miss your weird low maintenance looking hair. I miss how you messaged me in every possible social media possible just because I threw a small tantrum because you teased me a little. I miss how you got so baffled when I tried to be sassy. I just miss everything about you. I just really wish I could turn back time and go back for you.

I wish I could tell past Kim how much she'd miss you and how much she'd regret everything.

I just really miss you, and I wish that there was something I could do about it, but alas there's nothing I can do but hope that God puts you in my small group, or puts you in my path somehow.

xx

K

Give it time

Dear friend,

It's funny how time changes our feelings towards someone. If you told 2011 Kim that she would be as close to A as she is now, then she wouldn't believe it. Well that's how time works. Time is the best way to figure things out. I'm happy with the way we are now. When I'm around him, I'm not nervous because I feel safe and I know that whatever happens, he'll be there for me and I'll be there for him.

I thought working with him would make things complicated given my past feelings for him, but it didn't. If anything, working together brought us closer to each other. I'm grateful to have someone like him in my life, I truly am. I know that when it comes to work and many other aspects of my life, I can trust in him.

xx

Kim