Maybe someday when were better for each other

Dear friend,

I've always had a special place for him in my heart and I may be over it by now I mean it did take me a really long time to get over him but I did but now that were closer, I know for sure that I will always be there for him o matter what the situation or no matter what happens, because I love him and no not that way I'm saying I love him as a whole human being although I have no intention of stealing him from his girlfriend I really do just love him genuinely love him in that case.

Right now I'm happy that we mean a lot to each other and that we genuinely care for one another with all our hearts and I know that because he shows me and I appreciate that but there's nothing romantic that will ever happen for the two of us and that's okay maybe someday when were better for each other but right now, I'm just glad that we genuinely care about one another and I'm really happy about where we are now.

xx

Prom feelsI

Dear friend,

Junior year. A year wherein the pressure for the future usually begins and honestly I feel like I already failed and my brain feels like mush. And if there's one more thing they're going to add to the absolute bullshit, that is our future they're going to add the fact that there is prom this year.

It's like every guy I even try to like is already waiting for somebody else, and I just wish they would stop waiting for somebody else because I am right here but it's just hard for me to wait for someone who is waiting for someone else and I'm not a slut or anything but I guess I'm still trying to get over "last year" and there's "this year and guess what? they're both waiting for somebody else. I mean I know I'm getting over "last year" it's just hard for me to see him like this and talk about someone else to me, but I don't blame him because I never really told him that I had feelings for him and for "this year" I do want to like him, it's just that he's waiting for somebody else and I have no life. I just want a boy I'm not really desperate or anything but it's prom and I kinda just want it to be special because I am seriously considering taking international baccalaureate next year, I mean I want to stay for senior year but I really am thinking about my future and I just want to be successful.

xx

Social media awkwardness

Dear friend,

Social media awkwardness. It's so easy for people these days to talk to other people via social media because you can't see them but then when it comes that dreaded moment when you guys actually have to see each other because well you go to the same school or something like that one of the other will eventually find it too awkward too handle, and in this case it's me, why am I not surprised. And that is exactly how I feel and I just hate how we talked so much during the summer and it's so awkward for me to see him during breaks or whatever (and I literally see him everywhere)

And another this that's going to make the already very awkward situation even more awkward is we kind of just stopped talking but he says hi to me in the hallways now un-like the previous days where I would run aways form him and pray to our very loving and forgiving God that he doesn't see me

And today when he said hi to me I knew that it was him that it was the same guy who would make fun of me when I called him dude or the same person that was there for me when I couldn't sleep. And I can honestly say that I fucking miss him. I just don't even know what's going on between the two of us because honestly I know he feels nothing for me but he just makes it seem like he does feel something for me but I don't even know anymore I just honestly want to be happy that's all I want and is it so bad that he makes me happy?

I know that he's nowhere near perfect, he's rude, he acts like a child and don't even get me started with him being NR when he wants to be NR I mean I am the complete opposite of NR and he goes all NR on me my goodness gracious, anyways the purpose of this is not to tell you all his flaws because honestly, in the end he makes me happy and he makes me feel like I'm special even when I'm not.

And yeah I see the same guy that made me smile from my ear to ear but he just stopped trying and it hurts because here I am missing him like crazy and I bet I never even crossed him mind today even when he says hi to me. I just want to know, if there's even the slightest possibility that he would like me because I am here waiting for him but just like he said, "I can't wait forever"

xx

Fuck Boy

Dear Friend,

fuck boys, initially I am not really a very big fan of saying bad words but there just aren't any words for me to describe him I thought I liked him or I don't even know anymore he is the most confusing human being I have ever met it annoys me it's probably because I am confusing my fuck boy radar for my feelings radar, probably because this whole fuck boy thing is still very new to me. Nonetheless, I still think that he is annoying and I probably have feelings for him even though he's a dick. Why does this keep happening to me, why can't I just like a normal guy who won't mess with me or not like me back. I just want a boy :(

xx

Nerdy Type

Dear friend,

Is it weird that I sort of have the nerdy type type? I know that sounds redundant but I just have a thing for nerdy guys and I don't know why it's kind of odd isn't it? I mean yeah I like the really attractive usual hotties like young James Franco but I also would go for a nerd.

Nerds are nice and I know you may not believe this but I actually look at the personality. And everyone says that but then again I actually mean it because it's proven. I really am attracted to their personalities no matter how they look and it's so weird. Yes I admit that at first the personality is always important but then not for me most of the time I just want a guy who is nice and caring no matter how he looks.

I really am attracted to guys who are nice and so genuine you know, and don't get me wrong you can really tell if a person is genuine and if the person isn't and nerds usually are very genuine, and really nice. That's what I love about them so much, it's that they're so genuine and kind hearted.

Just say it already, because we already know

Dear friend,

You know how boys think they're so slick because they apparently can hide their feelings for somebody behind their apparent "coolness" and their apparently not obvious "moves" to get the girl? boys, honestly I tell you this it is obvious most of the time. I mean you tell one friend and promise me it spreads like wild fire I"m not saying that your friends are conniving un-loyal douches because in my perspective boys are really trust worthy but that's not the point. My point is that it's obvious body movement, whispers, stolen looks they're all a give away I mean I assure you most girls aren't assuming and even once you tell them they're still probably going to act like you didn't tell them or either they like you back which would be very lucky for you bud but unfortunately  it's not always like that.

Anyways back to the main reason I decide to write to you today (again) is it's just really obvious I mean it's actually kind of nice the way a boy looks at you when he likes you but he doesn't want to tell you, honestly I already knew before he even told me that he liked me but he is way younger than me so it's funny I mean why do I attract boys who are younger than me? I mean why can't I just attract a guy who's my age or older because I like older guys. anyway we just know I am probably making absolutely no sense right now but boys, girls just know so just say it already/

That doesn't matter anymore

Dear friend,

Okay I am really confused but then again, I am always confused about like everything but anyways, so I mean just because you work together doesn't mean that there's something going on right? I mean of course a part of me wants him to like me but then again I guess in the end, it's just another good story that's all it is, a good story.

And there are two sides to every story, and if you don't believe that then believe in the perspective I mean the things I think could be "romantic" or something could be absolutely nothing to him, and yes he remembers the little things I tell him and yes it does surprise me but this time I'm not going to count it anymore.

If you asked me how I felt about him maybe like 4 years ago, I would probably say that I was head over heels in love with him, with every bit of him in fact but right now I don't want to hang on to a moment that probably means nothing to him.

looking back, you'd probably find out that in the past, every little bit of moment we had is tattooed on my mind and honestly it still is but I kinda just stopped hoping because it sucks to get your heart broken.

I mean I'm not bitter or anything but I just don't want to make a big deal out of our moments anymore because if there is a chance we have the worst timing so it's never going to happen. I may want it to happen it never is and I am totally okay with that because that's the way it's always been, we've always been wrong timing.

With him, it's always been more for me but I doubt that it felt the same for him. And guess what? I am totally cool with it, I don't know why but you may call me heartless but it's the truth. And if you asked me right now if I liked him I'd probably say no, and if someone teases me with him, like they always do, I'm probably going to be able to control my smile and not blush because I kinda just stopped hoping.

If I had the chance to take back time and remove him from my life I probably wouldn't do it, and I may sound crazy because he put me through so much and hurt me in so many different ways but I am really grateful for that because to me, he was my first. Not first kiss or anything like that it was more of the innocent things, he was my first love, he was my first real anything actually. He was the first thing in my life that was real. And I will always love him for that, but he's never going to see me the way I used to see him so I guess that's okay.

If there was even the slightest probability of him liking me now I probably wouldn't know what to do honestly because he's been such a big part of my life and in my thoughts he's probably the guy that I always come back to. I may be distracted with some other guy for a while but in the end it's always going to be him, I am always going to choose him but I can never really imagine him liking me.

Do I want him? I actually have no idea because sometimes we don't really think things through and we want things that we can't have, sometimes we just like the thrill of it.

Even though right now I feel nothing for him, every time he looks at me I admit that I still kind of hope that he would look at me the way I look at him and every time he calls my name I admit that I still get excited and I would do anything for him and I know that sounds crazy but it's true and every moment I spend with him I still treasure it and remember each and every word that he says to me. And even the smallest things remind me of him, but I doubt that I have that same impact on me and every time I feel like he doesn't want to be with me, it's like he slowly rips my heart open and every time he leaves, he takes a piece of me with him, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore

xx

Life Must go on

Dear friend,

Well I'm sick af and I feel like my head is going to burst into a million pieces...literally I mean why now, now is like the worst time to get sick this is unacceptable it's like i'm dying or maybe it's jsut because I watch too much Grey's anatomy. Oh and did I mention that my throat is probably bleeding internally but then again I'm probably overthinking because Grey's anatomy. OH and did I mention I'm visited? yep...this is the worst combination ever but at least I don't have cancer right? or do I...(grey's anatomy) OH and did I mention I'm going to be busy af the next couple of events OH and did I  mention that I'm supposed to be hosting my first event as an officer for UMC and I'm sick...life is amazing..but I have no one to blame except for myself. I need to learn how to take care of myself. But right now life must go on

xx