All the things I wish I could say to you but I don't know how

Hi, I know you're probably tired of me writing long messages just as much as I'm tired of writing them, but there are just some things I need to say. First of, I want to say sorry for breaking your heart. Not once, but little by little everyday. I know it may not seem like I know that but I do and I hate how I did that to you.

I know that how much you love me, I really do and I appreciate that but you need to stop trying to find yourself in others. I know you say that you need to escape with everything that's going on right now but trust me when I say you're not doing it properly. Life's hurt you pretty bad and that's okay because everyone is hurting and you need to give yourself time to heal. Stop trying to find others to fix you and fix yourself. You do not need anyone besides yourself right now.

I also want to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with my messy mind right now especially with everything that's going on with your life, but please understand that I've never done the whole relationship thing and that just isn't my priority right now. I want to live my life and try to focus on becoming a better person. I know you don't want to hear this but it just isn't you. I always pray that God gives me someone who I can rely on and someone who I can call at 3 am just because I can't sleep and I'm sorry but that's just not you.

lastly, I just want to share with you a word of advice. Personally, I don't show or reveal too much of myself to a person so that I don't get hurt and I move on very fast because I have come to accept that some people stay and some people don't and honestly that's okay because eventually God will put whoever should be in your life to well, stay. I love you as my friend I really do, there will always be a space in my heart for you if you need me and I hope that someday, you find the love you keep trying to give to everyone else.

He makes me feel

Dear friend,

I haven't caught up with you in a while, but there's a guy I used to make mess with. Not in the sexual kind of way of course, that's not something I would do. I used to tell him I loved him just for the fun of it. I found him cute but I never really thought about liking him for real. I honestly though nothing would ever happen but something did. He messaged me one day and I got so shocked because I never expected it from him but I guess the best things in life come unexpectedly.

He loves me a lot, and I know that. It hurts me knowing that I don't love him back but I can't force it because it would hurt him even more. We still talk and I like that because I want to keep him in my life but to be honestly I don't really know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special at times because out of all the people he could love that much, he picked me. Sometimes, he makes me feel horrible because I don't love him the way he loves me.

I honestly don't know what I feel towards him because he makes me feel so GAH and I don't even know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.